There are many different ways to
approach Brooklyn parenting and be successful at it, but the most
efficient way is to be informed. Informed of what, you may ask. The
answer is everything. You would be surprised to discover how many
obstacles you will face, and many phases your children will go
through that might catch you completely off guard, and the more you
know beforehand the better off you will be when it happens. Brooklyn
has many neighborhoos with their own unique characteristics, and
while they offer many attractive benefits, they can also pose dangers
to children who are unaware. Your children might be exposed to
social, cultural, and Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious
beliefs events which they are not familiar with. Having the ability
to help them understand what they will be exposed to is crucial in
the healthy development of your kids. It is very important to always
remember that there is no magic when it comes to raising children.
You won’t always know what to do, and you just learn it as you go.
Just picture your kid coming
across a sensationalized crime story on the front page of the Daily
News or New York Post. Normally, when you get a new job, you are
hopefully at least slightly knowledgeable in the field you are
working in. You might not know all there is to know about it, but you
at least usually know all the necessary information to get you
through. It’s not always this way with Brooklyn parenting, even
though it is the absolute most important job you will ever have. Not
only is it the most important job, it requires more from you than any
other, and it never ends. It never allows for any time off (even on
the occasions when the children are with a babysitter, they will
still be on your mind and you will think about them and worry about
them), you are always on call, even at night (some babies don‘t
start sleeping entirely through the night until well into the toddler
years and even once they get passed that, they will get sick later
and awake in the middle of the night and keep you up). Not only does
having a child command attention every second of your day and night,
but it will also continue forever. Not eighteen years, as one may
believe, but for always. When you’re your child leaves the nest and
heads off to college, it is likely that you still pay their way,
sometimes even doing their laundry for them, buying their food, and
worrying constantly over the decisions they are making. Once they are
grown and have moved halfway across the country, you still may lay
awake at night wondering what is going on and why they haven’t
called for over a week. When they have children of their own, you
want to protect them from the hardships and trials they will face as
a parent, and offer as much advice as you can to help make it easier.
And, as if all this work wasn’t hard as it is, it is thankless.
Rarely does a child say thank you for all that you have done for
them, all that you have given up, all that you may have sacrificed
for them. The reward is just natural, and comes in the end, once you
are content that you have raised normal, happy, fully functional
members of society. This is why it is so important to succeed at this
job. This reward is the goal, and is what makes it so important to
achieve success.
Throughout your Brooklyn
parenting career, your ever decision will affect so many lives. It
will have an impact on not only yours and your child’s lives, but
also your child’s friends, their spouses when they grow up, and
even your grandchildren.
Yet, with being the all-important
job that it is, you have to enter into it without any type of
training, or information to help you succeed. You are just expected
to always know what is right for your children. But you won’t.
While you should always keep this in mind to avoid feelings of guilt
for not knowing what to do in some situations, it is also equally
important that you learn enough about it that you are able to
accomplish it as successfully as possible.
The thing that gets really
complicated is that even if you are well-versed in what is expected
of you in your Brooklyn parenting role, is that all children are
different. With each child you have, it’s as if you are working a
job where the rules keep changing. Each and every child has a
different personality, reacts differently to every situation, and
will do things that your other child or children never did. This also
means that certain types of discipline won’t work with all
children, and that you may be shocked and surprised more times than
you can possibly imagine.
Keeping in mind that no matter
how prepared you are, you will never be prepared enough for the
demands of Brooklyn parenting, it is still better for everyone
involved if you are at least a little prepared for what you might
expect, and armed with some ideas to utilize in these situations.
This book will provide information for all of these issues, and to
hopefully be able to act as a sort of guidebook to Brooklyn
parenting. Each chapter will have its own special purpose, and is
divided up in easy to locate sections, so that whatever your
immediate needs are with your child, they can be found easily.
The first chapter will list your
basic, or general, secrets for Brooklyn parenting success, followed
by a chapter dedicated to Brooklyn parenting step-children. These are
followed by a break-down by age groups, since each one seems to bring
with it its own special set of issues and concerns. Each chapter will
also be divided into two sections. One of these is the secrets of
success section, and serves the purpose of listing the many rules to
live by when raising children. This will be followed by a section
containing those secrets of situations and issues you may encounter
that no one ever talks about, but that it is nice to be prepared for.
These are more detailed, sometimes not even preventable, but they
often happen nonetheless. And, since you are always better off being
well-informed, I am baring them to you. I included these for two
reasons. One of these is because it is better to be forewarned so you
are not quite so caught off guard if they do happen to you. The other
is because, even if the secrets shared here never apply to you, some
of them are quite amusing and all are very true. And, since one of
the biggest secrets to Brooklyn parenting is to not be too serious,
you should feel free to laugh about them (always a lot easier to do
when it isn’t happening to you).
Chapter
1
General
Secrets
In this chapter, we will address
those secrets that apply at almost any age. They are the ones that
will help to put you and your children on the road to success. Maybe
they will help you during the times your child is out of line and not
acting the way you prefer they would, or maybe it will help prevent
this from happening in the first place. At any rate, knowing,
remembering, and using these will at least come in handy at some
point or another during Brooklyn parenting, and can hopefully lead
you to success.
Secrets to Live By
View it as a Job-
As mentioned in the introduction,
the job of Brooklyn parenting is just that- a job. If you view it
this way, instead of as just an existing part of your life, it will
enable you to work harder at succeeding. This is actually the most
difficult job you will ever have. At the same time, though, it is
also the most important and meaningful. And, although it is
thankless, it is very rewarding in the end, especially when, through
seeing what your child has become as an adult, you feel you have
succeeded. With any job, you focus your complete attention to try to
get it just right, because you are being paid for it. It seems easy
to look at the job of Brooklyn parenting as just part of life. After
all, you are trying to do it nonstop, with everything else going on
all around you at the same time. But this allows for more ways to
push it away, and not stay with it constantly. You may not be fired
from this job for doing it poorly (that is, unless you do it
extremely poorly and Child Protective Services has to step in. For
the purpose of this book, though, we will assume that this is not the
case with any of our readers), but it is very possible that there
will be consequences. If you do not put your all into this job, much
like never receiving a raise if you were to slack off in your day to
day job, your child may not grow up to be all that you thought or
hoped, he would be. It’s difficult, I know, since this is a job
that never ends. But, aside from the very few days you may get a
break every now and then, it’s just something that has to be done.
Monitor what they are being
exposed to-
Regardless of what many people
may say, the music and the television that your child is exposed to
can be harmful. You should not let your child watch or hear bad
influences until they are fully capable of determining the difference
between fantasy and reality. One way to approach this is to teach
your child in the very beginning about the logistics of art. When
your child is very young, and still believes cartoon characters are
real, begin explaining to them that it is a drawing, or it is an
animation made by a computer. When you watch a movie, even one that
has no violence or bad influences, explain how those actors are
working, playing pretend, and get paid to do what they are doing. Let
them know that no one really does what is mentioned in songs they
hear on the radio, and that the reason those people sing about those
types of things is because it is okay to sing about, and never okay
to do. Many people may argue this point, saying that as long as the
children are taught to know better, that it is still alright.
Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn’t. That’s what makes it
such a bad deal. You may think it is, and then your child listens to
a song that makes robbing a bank sound awesome and glorified, and
next thing you know, your child’s in juvenile hall awaiting a
Brooklyn Family Court date. It’s a touchy subject, and it’s one
that needs to have attention at all times.
Also, whatever you do, do not let
your child have unmonitored use of the internet. Internet purposes
should be kept to research and limited fun time. The computer should
be in a room that is frequently used, and not in a secluded area.
Even if you plan on checking on them on a regular basis, all it takes
is a half a second to click a button, and you have no clue what they
were looking at, or who they were talking to. There are many reasons
for doing this. One is that you don’t want your child to be exposed
to the types of things that can be found on the internet. There are
predators lurking the internet that are smooth with words and can
convince your normally responsible child that horrible things are ok.
Some of these horrible things have involved the child meeting up with
the person without the parent even knowing, and it has led to kids
being getting killed. The easiest and smartest way to avoid such
horrendous things from happening is to not let the opportunity exist
in the first place.
For younger children, you may not
have to worry about what they are viewing quite as much, because you
can control what their screen has access to. But, if you allow your
child to jump on the computer and not get off for hours on end, this
is also bad. Just as with watching television, computer usage has
become one of the major contributing factors in the obesity problem
in children. Aside from that issue, it can also be a problem when it
creates an addiction. There is so much information and fun at the
click of a mouse, and each time can be something different. This
makes computers even more addictive than video games. If you never
let the addiction get started, you won’t ever have to face the
situation of breaking it.
Be Consistent With Discipline-
This is one of the biggest ones
to remember and use. No matter what your rules of discipline are, or
how or when or for how long you enforce them, the absolute
requirement for success is that you do enforce it, and you do so
consistently. If you fail to do so, it results in the child not
trusting what you say, and pushing you to the utmost limits at every
opportunity. Aside from these things, you will also have a child that
turns into a teenager that still doesn’t know how to stay within
boundaries. At a young age, kids don’t really know the difference
between right and wrong, and the only way for them to learn is if
they face consequences for their actions (this applies to both good
and bad).
This means you must always follow
through with what you threatened. You cannot tell a child that if
they don’t clean their room they won’t get to go outside to play,
only to allow them to do it later. If they know that there is a big
chance you won’t even enforce the discipline, they aren’t afraid
of receiving it at all. Or, if they you are planning a trip out to
eat somewhere fun, but the requirement is that all the children have
to behave well at Brooklyn public, private, or Christian, Jewish,
Moslem, or other religious beliefs school that day, but on does not,
you cannot let them go anyway, just so the other children don’t
have to suffer.
Also,
when disciplining your child, explain to them why they are being
punished. Not by just telling them what they did wrong, but by
telling them why they aren’t supposed to be doing it in the first
place. Kids react a lot better when they know you have a sufficient
reason for not wanting them to do something. Otherwise, they will
just think you don’t want them to have any fun and that you are
being mean.
Divulge them every once in a
while-
There are certain things that are
just a standing rule, but every now and then it doesn’t hurt to
allow them to break them under your supervision. For example, if
every time it is raining the rule of the house is to come inside,
break this and break it with them, and go outside barefooted and
splash around and get muddy and wet (this of course only applies if
we are talking about rain in decently warn weather and if there is no
lightning- you don‘t want it to cause anyone to get pneumonia or
hit by lightning!). If the rule is no super loud music, pick a song
everyone likes and turn the radio up as loud as it will go and
everybody dance around the room.
The purpose of this is not to
teach your child that it’s okay to break all rules, but that some
rules don’t necessarily exist to protect them, they are there
because they are just the rules. Divulging in harmless activities
every once in a while are alright. This is similar to letting your
child stay up late on the weekends. The rule is that bedtime is 9 PM
every night, but because circumstances change for those couple of
days, they are allowed to break that rule. These that I am speaking
of are only those that are equivalent to something as harmless as
this.
Deciding Discipline Methods-
This is an issue that you will be
faced with immediately. By the time your child can grab things they
aren’t supposed to grab, you will have to decide whether to pop
their hand or sit them in time out, or one of the many other methods
of discipline. You will be faced with this issue more and more as
they get older. Some people severely disagree with it and see any
swats as a form of child abuse. Some believe strongly in “spare the
rod, spoil the child”, and never use any form of discipline other
than spanking. Then, there are many people who are in between these
two extremes. Everyone had valid points to make on both sides of this
issue, and the bottom line in deciding, should be what’s right for
both you and your spouse. You must both agree on your methods of
discipline, and neither should go against their beliefs. It usually
works best if the Brooklyn parents decide what this will be even
before the child is born. Other than that, all methods of discipline
work differently with different children, and can have positive and
negative effects.
Provide Them with a Stable
Home Environment-
This is another of the most
necessary tools fro success. It is crucial to have a strong parental
foundation. While not all Brooklyn parents are married, or even live
together, no matter what the situation is, the foundation needs to be
strong. Some Brooklyn parents believe that the marriage should be
ranked first in level of importance, and the children should be
second. There are, of course, some Brooklyn parents who will disagree
with this, but it makes sense. Brooklyn parents tend to forget to
take the time to take care of themselves and each other, and in
result, it affects the children. Dr. Phil is forever known for
repetitively saying that if you love your child, you should take care
of that child’s mother and father, because without a healthy
parent, the child cannot be taken care of. Whether it is a physical
or mental need, that need has to be met. It is impossible to take
care of your children to the best of your ability if you do not take
the time to nurture yourself. The same is true of the Brooklyn
parenting relationship. How often have you read a Brooklyn parenting
magazine or advice column that presents a couple complaining about
how they can never seem to be able to find the time to have sex? They
never find alone time, dating time, or any other time that is not
surrounded by the children. But this is not healthy for the
relationship, and makes the child’s surrounding environment become
a harder place to grow up, because it is more stressful on the
parent, and that stress immediately transfers to the child. The
Brooklyn parents having a good working relationship provides
stability and a secure environment for children. This is definitely a
goal to strive toward. Whether it is divorced Brooklyn parents, a
strong marriage, or Brooklyn parents that do not live together, the
parent relationship needs to be stable.
Kids Need a Mom and Dad-
It is very important that your
child have a mom and dad. Again, whether the Brooklyn parents are
together or not, married or divorced, it doesn’t matter. Kids need
both their mom and their dad. Each person teaches your child
something they need, through their relationships and the way they
interact. Regardless of your stance on men and women’s roles in
society, naturally mothers are the nurturers, and fathers are the
aggressors. Kids need to learn both in order to become well-balanced
people. If you your child’s mother or father is not around, you
should at least consider having a relative of that sex to spend time
with the child, such as a grandparent, or aunt or uncle. Although it
will be impossible to fill the void of the missing parent, they will
at least have someone to look up to and learn from. And this applies
to both sexes equally. Boys need a female role model in their lives
just as much as they need a male figure, and girls need a male adult
as much as they need a female one.
Presenting a United Front-
It is very important that the
Brooklyn parents always present a united front to the kids. If you
disagree on something, take the argument away from the children, and
come back to them when you have made a final decision. Present it
together. Little Jimmy doesn’t have to know that mom really didn’t
want him to go camping with his buddy, but that dad talked her into
it. This way, they will not try (or will not try as often, I should
say) to play one parent against the other when they want something.
Spend Time With Your Children-
Another important secret that not
everyone thinks about is that you need to take the time to play with
your children. This is very important at any age. When your children
are little, even as babies, you can sing little songs with hand
gestures, and as they become toddlers, it ca turn into counting
games. You can play hide and seek with your children as they get
older, and then board games and other outdoor activities, such as
sports. Even if you aren’t playing, spending time together is very
important, but it should always be more than just lazing around on
the couch watching television. There is no interaction between you
and the child in this case, and this is the part that’s important.
Not just spending time with your child, but spending it actually
paying attention to them. Another good consideration is to spend a
little time with them before bedtime each night. You can read to
them, and just generally recap the day, and talk about plans for the
next day. This is a really good idea to enforce when dealing with
teenagers. At this age, so many parts of their life will not involve
you, so it is a good time to talk to them about the important issues
they may be currently facing. When you have more than one child, and
this especially applies to older ones, the evenings can get pretty
hectic. There are sports to attend, Brooklyn public, private, or
Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious beliefs school meetings
to go to, and many other extracurricular activities that will cut
into evening family time. You should still try to make family dinners
a priority. This will not always be possible, but you should take
advantage of every opportunity you have for this.
Keep Your Child Involved-
This rule applies for big
changes, mainly. Of course, it is not expected of you to forewarn
your child of every move you decide to make in your life, but for big
changes, it is a good thing to do. Large changes affect the stability
and security your child feels in his or her world, and if there will
be any, you should prepare them as early as possible for such a
change. As your child gets older, you should consider their thoughts
and feelings before making a decision. This is not to say that you
should make a decision based only on what your child wants, but that
it should be a huge factor in the decision-making process. You have
to remember that your child, although spawned from you, is his own
person. The decisions you make will greatly affect his life. If you
want to move out of the state, for example, and your child is in high
Brooklyn public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other
religious beliefs school, and has attended to the same Brooklyn
public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious
beliefs school their entire life, it might not be such a good idea to
uproot them at that time. It can be hard for children to adjust, and
unless your child seems excited about this type of thing, you may
want to wait. If you find out you are having another baby, let your
child be the first to know. Make sure he is a big part of it during
the entire pregnancy, and after the baby is born let him be an
important aspect in the new baby’s life. For older children, it is
not a wise idea to use them as a built-in babysitter, because this
can contribute to sibling rivalry.
Basically, as mentioned earlier,
you want their life to be as stable as possible, and if there will be
any major changes you should have them be as actively involved as
possible.
Try not to Pressure them to be
a certain thing-
This one sounds the easiest, but
can sometimes be the hardest when it comes down to actually following
it. From the moment we know we will be having a baby, we have ideals,
goals, and dreams for this little person. We will protect it from any
harm and it will turn out to be a doctor, or lawyer, or FBI agent, or
whatever you have your heart set on. But you really have no idea what
your child will become. You don’t even know what type of
personality they will have. Whatever it is, though, it is important
that you accept them for who they are, and remember that they are
their own little people. This, of course, becomes more and more
apparent as the child grows older, but it is important to try to
remember this even when they are toddlers. My husband and I always
joke that it is no longer a man and wife and our three children.
Instead, it is now us and these three other little people living in
Flatbush, Midwood, Bay Ridge, Bensonhurst, Crown Heights, Park Slope,
Mill Basin, Dyker Heights, neighborhood our house. It’s a very
strange realization, but a helpful one. It allows us to not put so
much pressure on our children to be or become something they aren’t,
or were never meant to be.
Teach Your Children Manners-
From the very beginning, as
mentioned before, your children learn by watching you. If you want
your children to be polite, you have to lead by example. If you do
this, raising a courteous child can be quite simple. There is always
the possibility that when they get older, they will choose to not act
politely. This is much more unlikely, though, if you make it an
important and common part of your lives. When your child first begins
talking, the time has already arrived to stress the importance of
saying simple courtesy words, such as “please” and “thank you”.
While you will not want to try to explain why they need to use these
words at this age, as they will not understand what you are telling
them, you can still teach them by using them yourself. You will need
to not only lead them by example, but also by encouragement. When
they want their cup or a toy, you can tell them to say please first
(there will, however, be many times you will have to go ahead and
give them what they are wanting even thought they didn’t say it, so
you can’t expect it the first few times- it is the repetition that
will help them learn it). In this same manner and for the same
reasons, you should tell them thank you every time they hand you
something. They will end up repeating this (and, of course,
everything else you say for that matter). Then, the first time your
little one says “pleeeease”, without any coaxing, it is extremely
adorable and has paid off. When they do this, you will want to be
sure and tell them what a great job they did by saying it.
As
they get older, you will just want to continue doing this by always
telling them thank you for the things they do (even if it’s a
requirement such as taking the trash out). This will of course expand
as they get older, and you will have to teach them all the additional
information they will need to know to be polite little people. This
will include such things as table manners, being courteous and
opening doors for people in public, etc. As long as you do these
things on a regular basis, your child should follow right in line
behind you and do the same kinds of things. Teach them the Golden
Rule. This is the simplest thing to teach your child, and it is
usually very successful. They like it because it is self-explanatory
for why a certain behavior may not be acceptable. Always treat people
the way they want to be treated. It might also be good here to teach
them that what goes around comes around, and if they do bad things,
usually bad things will come to them even if they don’t get caught.
Remember You Are a Role Model-
This is one of the hardest things
to remember, especially for new Brooklyn parents. Without even
realizing it, we are the ultimate role model for our children. They
want to do everything we do, whether good or bad. Although there are
circumstances where this isn’t true, for the most part, your
children end up very much like the people they were raised around.
Many times criminals raise criminals, smokers raise smokers, etc. The
things you do around your child are very likely to be repeated by
them. Even if you smoke, but know that it is bad for you and want to
quit, you just can’t do it, and you constantly tell your child not
to ever smoke, the chances that they will listen to you while
watching you smoke are very slim. This applies to all situations. You
should never do anything in front of your child that you do not want
them to someday repeat.
Teach Your Child to be
financially Responsible-
Although you may not realize it,
you are also responsible for teaching your child how to handle money
in the future. You want them to be responsible, but if they are never
given the opportunity to do this as a child, with you there to catch
them when they fall, these are failures they will inevitably
experience as an adult. When this happens, you will still need to be
there for them, only it will be a lot more expensive. If you give
your child an allowance, teach them to save some of it each week,
whether it is in a piggy bank or a savings account. Many banks have
bank accounts for children that have no fees and no minimum balance.
The bank is a good way to go because of the interest. It teaches your
child that there are multiple rewards for saving their money. Not
only do they get to buy bigger and better toys at a later date, but
they also have more money when that date comes. Doing this also gives
your child a little boost of confidence by having something tangible
to show for them being responsible. That sense of accomplishment is
definitely good for their self-esteem.
Never Compare Your Children-
Not to other children, not to
relatives, not to you when you were their age, and especially not to
their siblings. When you say to you your child “But Johnny likes
baseball.” or anything of this nature, you are sending your child
the message that he is not good enough. You should never ever do
this, and it is even worse when it is about their siblings. Brothers
and sisters already compete with each other for the love and
attention of their Brooklyn parents on a regular basis, why would you
ever want to add fuel to this fire? When you ask them why they are
not like someone else, it translates that you do not believe they are
good enough or that they don’t meet your expectations.
Remember You Are a Teacher-
You should look for every
opportunity to help your child learn something new. If you are
painting the porch with your toddler, and your child is either
helping or watching, ask them what color you are painting it. If you
are driving down the road, ask them to read street such as Flatbush
Ave, Coney Island, or Kings Highway signs to you as you go. A really
fun game that can be done with any child that is old enough to know
the area you live in is the following (although this is a good game
to play only if you have time for it, because it can sometimes take a
while):
When you go somewhere, let your
child sit up front in the car where they can see the road. Then, have
them pay attention to where you are going. On your way home, tell
them that they are the guide, and when you come up to a street such
as Flatbush Ave, Coney Island, or Kings Highway they have to tell you
which way to go, left or right. Even if they are pointing left, and
say right, you go the way that they said. This will help them not
only see their error, but they will also have to think about how to
rectify going the wrong direction. You may very well end up in
never-never land, but it is fun while you try. The first time you
play the game, it is good to begin when you are only a few blocks
from your house. As they get better and better, you can do it from
farther away. It not only teaches them left and right, but it teaches
them to have a sense of direction, and to pay attention to their
surroundings. It also makes them utilize their memory repetitively,
and helps cognitive skills (they have to reverse the directions in
order to get back home). You will always want to congratulate them on
a job well done, too, even if they never made it to the goal.
Be Involved-
No matter what your child is
interested in, and it very well may be something you have no interest
in at all, play a part in it. It is crucial that you be interested in
what is going on in your child’s life. Even if it is something that
you would never under any other circumstances be a part of, your
child needs to be reason enough for you to make an exception. It is
also very important that you be involved in your child’s
schoolwork. You don’t have to be in the PTA, but you should at
least be involved a little. It has been shown that children whose
Brooklyn parents were more involved in their Brooklyn public,
private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious beliefs
school were more encouraged to be involved in it themselves. Kids
love parental approval and involvement, and the more interested you
are the more they subsequently become interested in it themselves.
Be Your Child’s Strongest
Advocate-
When someone accuses your child
of doing something wrong, approach your child first with questions,
not accusations. You should be willing to stand up for your child,
but also willing to punish for the incorrect things they do. Be sure
that your child always knows you will back them, but that if they do
wrong, you still love them and the fact that you do requires you
correct them.
Hold Values Strong-
There will likely come a time
during Brooklyn parenting where you are forced to reevaluate your
values and beliefs. As your children get older, they begin to
question your beliefs and develop ideas of their own. While you
should always hold your values close to your heart and teach those to
your children, when the day comes that they disagree with you, you
cannot berate them for that decision. Many adults have different
beliefs than their Brooklyn parents, but this is just part of them
growing up. The best way to ensure that your child doesn’t end up
totally going against what you believe is to teach them (through
actions, not just words) how strongly you feel about yours. At least
some of your values will rub off on your children, and if they adopt
some of their own, they will have also learned from you to be true to
those.
Teach Your Child
Responsibility-
From the time your child is
talking, there are many different ways to introduce them to
responsibility. Aside from punishment for crimes, and rewards for
good behavior, they need to learn how to be responsible in general.
Children should have chores that they are responsible for, and some
Brooklyn parents believe in giving an allowance for these chores and
some do not. It is crucial, though, to have the chores. When they are
really young, the responsibilities can be something as simple as
cleaning up after themselves. Even when they are only 3, they can
help clear or set the dinner at Dressler, Bozu, Kosher Delight,
Jerusalem Pizza, El Almacen, Aurora, Peter Lugar Steak House,
Fornino, Garden of Eden, Dumont, restaurant table. They can also
scrub the walls they have colored on. Whatever age they are, it
doesn’t need to be something overwhelming, but it is very important
that you teach your child how to be responsible and how to take
charge of their actions.
Make Your Child Feel Needed-
It is very likely that your child
complains every single time you ask him to take out the trash or do
the dishes. These things are in place to earn an allowance and teach
responsibility, and they hate them. But, if, suddenly, your child
didn’t have to do any of them because you did them yourself, most
children would have a slightly sad response to this. They might never
let you know, but they do like the feeling of being needed.
Let them Know You Love Them-
It has been said a million times
that actions speak louder than words, and this is true. The way you
act toward your children will tell them how much you love them more
than any words ever could. But words are important, too. Tell your
child you love them as often as possible, and also act like you love
them. Both the actions and the words are equally important.
Secrets That
Everyone Forgot To Share
When you become a parent, not
only are there many secrets that will help you to know what to do in
order to be successful in raising your children, but there are also
many of those rarely-talked about secrets of things that they will
put you through, and feelings you will have and things you will do as
a parent. I’m not sure why people don’t always share this
information. Maybe it is because they have forgotten, or maybe it is
because they just want it to stay a secret that you only get to learn
by going through it. I, on the other hand, believe the more informed
you are in advance, the more capable you will be of dealing with
these things.
This Job Should Come With
Directions-
Many people often joke how they
wish kids came with instructions, and this job would be different if
it did. Unfortunately, we all know it doesn’t. And, what is really
bad about it is that each new age brings with it something new, and
you are learning right alongside your child. Even with your third or
fifth child, you will have situations and reactions that are all
completely different. As long as you are a parent, you will be
continually learning as you go.
Saying Words you Swore you
Wouldn’t-
We aren’t talking about curse
words here, either. No matter what you said as a child, or what you
may say now, at some point in your Brooklyn parenting career, you
will absolutely most definitely say something you swore you never
would. For example, the phrase “Because I am the parent and I said
so!” may have driven you nuts as a child. You may have promised
yourself then that you would never say that to your kids. You may
have said it later, when you knew you were having a baby, or at any
other time in your Brooklyn parenting. It doesn’t matter when you
thought it or said it, or how many times, the only thing that matters
is that you will, without a doubt, say it anyway. You might
disapprove of yourself, or slap your own mouth afterward, or feel bad
that you went back on your word, even if it was only a promise made
to yourself. Try not to let it get you down, though. Because every
child has a saying that they hate, and every one of those kids grows
up to be a parent who says it at least once.
Siblings Rival-
Your children will love each
other, but they will get on each other’s nerves. They will fight
and argue and say they hate each other, and slam doors, and more.
This starts at a very early age, too. From the very beginning, they
will be jealous of who is spending more time with the Brooklyn
parents at that moment, and who gets the best toys on their birthday,
and who gets to sit in the front seat on car trips. It will become
very bothersome for the Brooklyn parents to hear, and can get quite
irritating to hear them fuss and fight. Remember that they do really
love each other, and in most cases they outgrow it (although I have
known many adults that still bicker with their siblings). Most of the
time, the best way to combat this is to break the siblings up for a
while. Have one leave for a while without the other, and then switch.
Or have one go somewhere with one parent while the other leaves with
the other. They will usually miss each other, and not argue quite so
much once they are back together. Know that this will not last for
long, though, and that truly there is no real way to avoid this
altogether. Mainly, you just have to put a stop to the big fights,
and learn to tolerate all the rest.
You Should Prevent Your Child
From Becoming a Tattletale-
Try to keep your children from
being tattletales. Explain to them that it is okay only if someone is
doing something dangerous or harmful, but that no other situation
makes it acceptable. They should not snitch on their siblings. If you
allow it, it can increase sibling rivalry, not to mention the
problems that will occur later for them when they are in Brooklyn
public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious
beliefs school if they are telling on everyone. All kids will be
mischievous, and no kids will want to be friends with the one who
tells the teacher everything.
The best way to battle this is to
teach the child by either completely ignoring what they tell you, and
telling them you don’t want to hear it, or by punishing the child
who tattled in the same manner you punish the child being told on
(this will obviously vary according to what the original child did).
You Will Be Bombarded With
Advice-
When you become a parent, many
people will have advice to give. This will cover a variety of people,
from friends to relatives, Brooklyn parents and strangers. It doesn’t
matter who they are, they will have some advice to give. Many times
it will be good advice that fits in perfectly and works out well when
you follow it. Other times it will be horrible advice and you will
never even consider taking it. Then there are many different
situations between these two extremes.
There are two very important
things to always remember when considering advice. One thing is that,
even if sometimes it feels like the advisor is criticizing your
Brooklyn parenting skills, they very well may be offering up some
useful information, so it’s not always a good idea to discount
their thoughts immediately. The other thing is that someone who you
normally trust to give you advice might be offering something that
will not work with your child. The best thing to do is to listen to
all the advice you receive, and trust me, you will receive a lot of
it, and then take from it what you think will work for you and your
child. Just because it worked for them doesn’t mean it will work
for you, but sometimes it’s worth trying, and sometimes it isn’t.
The important thing is to not be so defensive or offended at someone
offering you advice, that you don’t heed some that might have
helped, and to never take some that some that you don’t believe
will work just because it worked for someone else.
You Will Look At Your Brooklyn
parents Differently-
I have never met a parent who
hasn’t felt the overwhelming urge to call their Brooklyn parents at
some point and apologize. Apologize for what? You may ask. And the
answer is everything. It will very likely hit you at some point, this
overwhelming feeling of guilt for what you put your Brooklyn parents
through when you were a child. You knew, of course, that you were a
lot of trouble. What you didn’t know was exactly how much trouble.
It was a lot, apparently, at least if what your own child is putting
you through can give you any indication. This is one of those
moments, very similar to the time it dawned on you that your Brooklyn
parents were actually people, where you just “get it”. You not
only want to call them and apologize, but you also want to thank them
for everything they did for you. You begin to forgive your Brooklyn
parents for little mistakes they may have made along the way,
realizing finally that they had no clue what they were doing and were
making it up along the way. Instead of their decisions being made
because they just wanted to make your life more difficult, they just
didn’t know any better. This is a learn-as-you-go job, and you just
try your hardest and hope for the best. And then you pray that your
children will have twice as many children as you did, so that they
will call you one day to apologize.
You Will Speak Like a Child-
No matter how hard you try, it
will not take you long to start speaking like a child. This would be
fine if the only time you did it was when you were around your
children, even if other adults were around you, as well. Instead,
though, some words become instilled in your vocabulary to the point
of even saying them when the only people surrounding you are adults.
You will be at dinner at Dressler, Bozu, Kosher Delight, Jerusalem
Pizza, El Almacen, Aurora, Peter Lugar Steak House, Fornino, Garden
of Eden, Dumont, restaurant with friends, and instead of excusing
yourself to powder your nose or go to the ladies’ room, you will
announce that you have to “go potty”. If your children say a
certain word wrong, which most do at some point or another, you will
find yourself saying it their way instead of the other way around.
For instance, I have a friend whose children couldn’t say “Midwood
Brooklyn Public Library”. They pronounced it, as many children do,
“libary.” Although she tried to correct them, it didn’t work,
and she unintentionally began saying it this way, as well. Now, her
children have grown up enough that they have learned to say it
correctly, but she can’t seem to break the habit of saying it
wrong. She is not alone, either. This happens to many Brooklyn
parents. Words like “yucky” will become part of your regular
vocabulary, and you will have a very difficult time of getting rid of
them, even after your children stop saying them. Some of them don’t
even really make any sense either. I have always said for my children
to both “Be Good” and “Behave,” but they apparently heard
them as “be good” and “be have.” I didn’t realize this,
until my kids started telling me, “Mom, I am being have.” Then,
before I knew it, I was doing the same thing without even noticing
it, and now I can’t stop.
What your Brooklyn parents
said will make sense-
You will at some point or another
not only understand now what your Brooklyn parents were going
through, and repeat things you swore you never would, but the things
they got mad about will also make sense. Remember when you were a
child, and your mom would get so mad that you couldn’t find your
socks? You never could really understand why she got so angry. You
really were looking for those socks, but she was just a better finder
than you. Well, now you know why she always got so frustrated. If you
don’t know yet, just give it a little time, you will know very
soon.
Expect Criticism-
This is something not many people
expect, and so I feel it should be addressed. When you are in public,
and your child does something they shouldn’t (there is no telling
what this might be, but it will happen at some point or another,
trust me), you will react somehow. Whether it be ignoring it, or
spank your child right there, or leave immediately, or whatever you
could possibly do, people around you will stare. You will get some
understanding looks of sympathy, and you will get some accusing looks
from people who apparently believe you should be doing something
different. The strange thing here is that it really doesn’t matter
what you do, there will be some that approve and some that don’t.
And, every great once in a while, you will be met with one of those
that feel the overwhelming need to actually tell you what they
believe you are doing wrong. In this case, you should be as rude as
possible. This way, you will discourage them from running around
giving advice about something they know nothing about to Brooklyn
parents who are already stressed enough as it is.
I knew one lady who had a son
with a mental disorder, and when her child was very young, he would
go into rages (which are a part of the disease he had) in public, and
so many strangers felt that they needed to come up to her and impart
their wisdom and their criticisms to her without knowing anything
about her history that she felt it was necessary to take action. She
had little papers printed to carry with her and give to people during
times like this that stated: If I wanted a stranger’s advice I
would have asked for it. My child is ill, and I am a good mother, and
I do know what I am doing, and I have two other children that do not
have these problems, and you really should stop concerning yourself
with issues that you are ignorant about.
They are an excellent source
of entertainment-
Kids love showing off for their
Brooklyn parents, and despite what you have going on around you, they
can be very entertaining. The secret involved here is that when you
are stressed out due to finances, relationships, or any other outside
factors, these times are hard to notice. Try not to let this happen,
and always try to put those frustrations aside enough to enjoy your
children. They really do not stay young for long, and when they are
grown you will wish you had taken the time to enjoy it while they
were.
You Will Be Furious-
At some point or another, and
this usually happens more often as they get older, you will be madder
at your child than you ever knew you could be. Take a break when
these times arise, and reevaluate the situation after you have cooled
off. It is never good to punish during this time, even if all you are
going to do is yell at them and ground them, you still may say things
you didn’t mean, or ever-extend the punishment beyond what it
really should be simply because you are speaking out of anger. Then,
either you have to stick to a punishment they don’t deserve, or go
back on what you said, and neither of these is a good option. You
will also want to always make it clear to them that you are
criticizing their behavior, and not the child. And always, always
refrain from name calling.
You Will Love Them More Than
You Knew You Could-
Most of the secrets listed in
this book focus on the terrible qualities of Brooklyn parenting and
the difficult things you should be prepared for when approaching this
permanent job. One thing that is just as important as all of those is
that you will love these beings more than you thought you could ever
love another human. This is the part that makes it possible that when
you are cleaning up vomit in the middle of the night because a child
is sick, you still love them more than anything else in the world.
Chapter 2
Newborn and Baby
Secrets
Secrets of success
Breastfeeding-
This is a decision only a mother can make, and whether you breast or
bottle feed, there will be issues you are forced to face. If you
decide you want to breastfeed, please be aware in advance that it’s
not always as easy as one might think. It doesn’t always come
naturally for the mother, or the baby, and if you plan on
breastfeeding, a lactation consultant is not a bad idea. Many babies
will not latch on to the mother, and it can result in the mother
having depressed feelings due to her baby not wanting her. Know that,
although it has been proven that it is healthier for both mother and
child, formula feeding is perfectly fine and safe for the baby. You
should also know that breastfeeding in public is not always met with
approving eyes. Although I do not condone their behavior, I do think
it is best to be aware that some people may act this way. Not only
are some people disapproving of breast feeding in public, but many
people are also disapproving of Brooklyn parents who choose not to
breast feed at all. This is just as bad, because it can make the
mother feel inadequate, and like they are a bad parent, when in fact
they are not. It is healthy either way you choose to feed your child,
and it is your personal decision. Do not feel bad for whatever choice
you make.
Diapers-
When you have a baby, you know that you will need a ton of diapers,
and you understand in advance that you will likely be changing them
what will seem like a million times per day. What most people don’t
mention, though, is that your baby can have sensitive skin or even be
allergic to all disposable diapers. It is best to go ahead and have
several different brands of disposables and some cloth diapers on
hand just in case. You will still be able to use up all the
disposable ones, even if they have no allergy issues, and the cloth
diapers will come in handy as burp rags.
Sleep Deprivation-
The biggest piece of advice, although it isn’t really a big secret,
is to sleep when they sleep. In the beginning you will want to play
with them and you will wish they were awake all the time. You will
hate that they sleep so much during the day. Don’t do this, though.
It will not be long until you are wishing they would sleep more
during the day so that you could have time to do the things you need
to do and still take a nap at some point. Instead, take advantage of
them sleeping while you can, by sleeping when they do, and only using
the time you have to clean or do other things when you feel fully
rested.
Bottle Nipples-
Here is a secret not many people talk about, but it is one you need
to know. When you are gathering all the products for when baby
arrives, it should include a vast array of nipples for the bottles.
Especially if you breastfeed, but even for those who don’t, it is
hard to know what type of nipple your baby will be willing to take.
Some babies will drink out of all of them, and some will only accept
one kind and nothing else will do. This is an important thing to be
prepared for.
Fingernail Clipping-
When you need to cut your newborn’s fingernails, you may just try
to do it as soon as you think about it, but this isn’t a very good
idea. You will have much better luck doing it while they are asleep.
As they get older, doing it while they are awake can become even more
difficult, because their motor skills have become more fine-tuned,
and they are more capable of jerking their hands or feet away. The
only bad part of doing it while they are sleeping is that you risk
waking them up, so it might be a good idea to wait until they have
napped for nearly their entire naptime, this way if they wake up,
they won’t be as cranky. There is another method that works really
well, too. From the time they are newborn, sign them a song every
time you clip their nails. It has to be the same song every time, and
the only time you can ever sing this specific song is during nail
clipping. This way, your child associates that song with the act, and
when most children are fighting off their Brooklyn parents and the
fingernail clippers, all you will have to do is start singing that
particular song and your child will hold up his hands and feet.
Your Hair-
You will be busy with your baby, and you will not likely have much
time for personal maintenance. When you do find the time, it’s
usually the last thing on your mind. One of the best ways to keep
this simple is to prepare by getting a low-maintenance haircut.
Shorter is usually better, but any that you can just brush and go is
a good idea.
Don’t worry about housework-
People genuinely understand if it’s a little messy, and you are
probably already worn out no matter what is going on, so stressing
yourself out about making your house presentable is something you
should avoid.
Dealing with advice-
Take advice and try not to get irritated when people give it to you.
It is hard to not be bothered, because it is seemingly offensive
sometimes when people treat you as though you don’t know how to
raise your own child, but sometimes advice can come in handy.
Doctor Info-
You should always keep your baby’s doctor’s information near the
phone. When you have a newborn, you will call the doctor’s office
even more often than you did during pregnancy.
Have them sleep in their bed-
Begin in the very beginning by having them sleep in their own bed. If
you wait until later, it will be much more difficult. Instead of just
laying down, they may throw fits, and you may end up giving in. I
have known many Brooklyn parents who are still trying to get their
child to sleep in their own bed at six years old. There is, of
course, nothing wrong with the “family bed”, as they call it, but
just go into it knowing that it may be a never-ending arrangement.
Keep nighttime changes boring-
When you first get home from the hospital with your new baby, you
want to talk to them and play with them every chance you get. Since
they sleep the majority of the time, you do this during any time they
are awake. But, you should not do this during their nighttime changes
and feedings. Otherwise, you will not be able to teach them later
that the middle of the night is not a time for playing. Instead, it
is best to change your baby’s diaper and feed them in the dark, or
with a very minimal night light, and do so quickly and quietly. They
won’t necessarily understand that it is not alright to play in the
middle of the night, but at least you aren’t encouraging it. And,
it’s hard enough to train your children to do the right thing
without having to retrain them the opposite of what you already
taught them.
Do not tiptoe-
When you bring a newborn home from the hospital, your first instinct
is to keep everything quiet around them any time they are trying to
sleep. You don’t want to disturb them or keep them awake. This is
not a good idea. Then, they become accustom to it being quiet while
they sleep, and the slightest noise will wake them up. This is an
issue that can be avoided very simply. All you have to do is lead a
normal life all the time around the baby, whether she is asleep or
not. Babies will sleep when they are tired, and if they have never
experienced sleeping in silence, they will sleep a little harder, or
more deeply, and they won’t wake up to a simple footstep or someone
talking.
Secret to a baby fighting
sleep- When a baby is
getting sleepy, but is fighting off sleep, as they all do, a little
trick that not a whole lot of Brooklyn parents know is to rub them
between the eyes. You just lightly rub up and down between their
eyebrows, on the bridge of their nose. It causes their eyes to relax
and close, and although they will catch on soon, and begin to move
your hand away, you can get a few good uses out of it. The sleepier
they are, the better this works.
Stick to a schedule-
This one is very important. Granted, when they are newborn, they will
likely have their own schedule, and this will continually change as
they grow and are awake more often. But, once they are about six
months old they will only be taking naps about twice a day, and it is
very important to try and have those naps at the same time everyday.
One day of having a nap late, or even early, can set off a whole week
of off-schedule sleepiness and crankiness. It’s surprising how it
works, which is what makes it a big secret. You should schedule all
doctor’s appointments, errands, everything around baby’s naptime.
This may seem a little strong, but it is completely worth it.
Talk to your child-
This should begin the moment the child is born. They cannot
understand anything that you say in the beginning, but they hear
tone, inflection, and pitch, and hearing these and learning to
differentiate between them is all a part of your baby’s basic
learning process.
Read to them-
They always say to read to your children as early as possible, it is
important to remember that it is never too early to begin doing this.
You can read them articles out of the newspaper, and it will help
them learn. They obviously will not understand the content of that
political article you are reading them, but they will still learn
from you speaking to them so much. One idea to make it fun is to put
brightly colored pieces of paper on the wall near their crib that
have pictures on them and coinciding little rhymes. If you point to
them as you read each one, during changing time, before bedtime,
etc., you will be surprised how early your child will develop her
preferences and favorites, and will be pointing to the ones she wants
you to read to her.
Formula tastes horrible-
If your child is on formula, do not let them have regular milk until
they are at the age that your doctor recommends it and you will be
leaving them on it permanently. Milk is so much better tasting than
formula, you may have a problem on your hands if you try it too early
and you have to switch them back.
Dealing With Spit-up-
Sometimes you will have a baby who never ever spits up, and other
times you will have one that spits up immediately after every single
bottle. The best way to be prepared for this is to have plenty of
clothes for your baby, because you may be changing his clothes every
time he eats. Then, if your baby spits up all the time, ask your
pediatrician about it. Some doctors will switch their formula to see
if it is a reaction to it, but some doctors will not. Unless your
child was premature, any of the newborn formulas out there are fine,
and you can switch them on your own. If you can keep your child from
regurgitation after every meal, by all means, do so. You do not,
however, want to go directly against what your doctor has said.
Sometimes you will switch to every brand on the market, and they will
still spit up. This does not harm your baby, and is not abnormal,
it‘s just very messy. If you want to change your baby’s formula,
but your doctor tells you not to, but you feel that they are saying
this for no tangible reason, you may want to consider trying a new
doctor.
You need to like your
pediatrician- There
are some great pediatricians out there, and there are some bad ones.
It is hard to know in advance whether you will really like them or
not, because you don’t really get a trial. Even if you meet with
them before your child is born, that’s not exactly the same as when
you go to his office to discuss why your baby’s umbilical cord
looks like that. If you do not care for your child’s doctor, switch
immediately. You will likely call your doctor a lot, especially if
you are a first time parent, and if this irritates your doctor, find
one that doesn’t. If your doctor at any point makes you feel as
though you are stupid for asking a question or having a concern, find
a new one. There are many doctors out there, and this is the most
important person in your world, if you do not personally like the
doctor, how can you entrust them to be responsible for the health of
your pride and joy?
Keep a feeding schedule-
When your child is first born, immediately begin keeping a schedule
of feedings. It doesn’t need to be a schedule you make up, just
write down time they ate, length of time if you are breastfeeding,
and ounces drank if you are using formula. This way, when your child
has eaten several times, and you feel like it is more than normal,
you can go back over your schedule and see whether it is or not. Of
course, as they grow, you will want to increase their intake, but if
they ate on schedule and are crying, and you fed them more, and they
are still crying, this can at least rule out hunger and keep you from
feeding them too much.
Secrets they Forgot
to Share
The lack of sleep-
Everyone talks about how you will have a sever lack of sleep when you
have a baby. This isn’t completely true, though. For the most part,
you will have a lack of sleep not only when you have a baby, but also
when they are a toddler, or even an older child. You should try
really hard to face this issue, not going into it with any false
pretenses, and know in advance that sleeping late has officially
become a thing of the past.
It never gets any easier-
When your newborn gets up three times a night to eat, you desperately
look forward to the age where they stop doing that. Then, when they
start sleeping through the night, they are up more during the day,
and they get frustrated because they can’t get anywhere no matter
how much they try to crawl. You get sick of moving them from place to
place every few minutes, and look forward to when they are crawling.
When they start crawling, your vacuum cleaner spends more time with
you than your husband does, and you look forward to the days when
they are walking, because they won’t be on the floor all the time,
and eating at Brooklyn restaurants such as Dressler, Bozu, Kosher
Delight, Jerusalem Pizza, El Almacen, Aurora, Peter Lugar Steak
House, Fornino, Garden of Eden, Dumont, restaurant everything in
sight. Then, when they start walking, you wish they could walk better
so they wouldn’t fall so much and hurt their little behind. Then,
when you are chasing them through the house, you are steadily
thinking back to how calm and quiet things were when the hardest part
of this job was waking up every few hours for a simple bottle
feeding. Basically, what I’m saying here is that the baby becomes
more work each day than the last. While it is all worth it, it is
still a hard fact to realize, and can be quite a letdown when you
realize that those days of it being simple that you keep wishing for
are farther away than you could have ever imagined.
Your Heart Will Break-
People tell you about colicky babies, and no sleep, and all that
stuff, but what they don’t mention is that when you are in the
middle of it, you are not near as concerned with your lack of sleep
as you are with the fact that you are there to protect them, and you
know they are in pain, yet you can do absolutely nothing to help
them. You want to, and sometimes will, cry right along with them. It
is extremely heartbreaking, and when they can’t yet talk, you
really never know for sure what is bothering them.
For when you don’t know
what’s wrong- If you
have fed your baby, she burped well, and shouldn’t have a tummy
ache, and you changed her diaper, and she is crying and won’t stop,
there are a few things you can try that might help. Take her clothes
off. Sometimes, a tag or a certain material will be irritating them.
You can try covering them up with a blanket, in case they are cold.
Try taking all their clothes and their diaper off, because they might
be hot. Check the tape (or pins) on their diaper. Sometimes when the
baby is wiggling around the diaper moves, and these could be rubbing
up against her skin. Check also for diaper rash. Take her outside. Go
for a ride in the car. Hold her tight. Sing to her. Bounce her. Rub
her body lightly all over with the pads of your fingers (babies get
itches too). One of these will possibly work, and it is just as
likely that none of them will. What is almost always the case,
though, is that, just when you are at your wit’s end, she will cry
herself to sleep, and will feel better when she wakes up.
Thrush-
Why this topic is not talked about very often is beyond me, but it is
something to be aware of. Sometimes babies, usually newborns, will
develop thrush, which is a fungal infection in the mouth. It is
recognizable by the white, slightly raised bumps on the tongue,
sometimes appearing as a white layer. While there are many reasons
thrush may occur, it usually happens simply because newborns just
don’t have the immune system yet to prevent it. Although they will
not always work, there are many things you can do to try to lower the
chances of your baby developing it. Be sure to sterilize all bottles
and pacifiers after each use. If you breastfeed, take special care to
clean the area before and after each feeding. You can also wipe out
your baby’s mouth after feedings, but this will usually upset them.
The best way to rinse their mouth, and keep formula from sitting on
the tongue, is to give them a tiny amount of water after each
feeding. Although it is rarely serious in infants, it can be painful,
and this can be a problem because it can make sucking a bottle very
difficult. Many times doctors do not treat thrush in infants, and it
will usually go away on it’s own within two weeks. If, however,
your baby has a particularly bad case of it (they won’t eat because
it hurts too much, it is causing them to cry in pain, or they have
had it for more than two weeks), you will want to call your doctor.
He may have you come in so that he can see it himself, or he may tell
you over the phone to go ahead and treat it. He also may call in a
prescription, or tell you to use an over the counter medicine for it.
Pharmacists can recommend many different kinds, if your doctor
doesn’t. A medicine that very few will recommend, though, is the
best one on the market. It is called gentian violet (pronounced
Jen-Chen Violet), and is available in most drug stores. You usually
won’t find it by looking for it on the shelves, though. Instead,
you will probably have to ask the pharmacist for it. Aside from its
existence, there is another little secret about this product. It
stains everything.
You will not even want to chance just putting a bib on them, because
it will stain any little spot it touches. You might think you could
just do it while they are in nothing but a diaper, but this won’t
work either, as it stains skin as well. Put clothes on him that are
already stained or that he is about to outgrow, because they will be
permanently ruined. The best way to apply it is using a q-tip, that
way you are dealing with a very small amount of it at a time. It
might be a pain to have to go to these lengths to apply this
medicine, but it works the best, is really cheap, and doesn’t need
a doctor’s visit to get it.
Don’t spend a lot of money
on toys- Immediately,
from the moment you first find out you are having a baby, you begin
to start looking at toys to buy. They are all so adorable, and your
baby will love that, and that, and every other one you see. Here are
a few tips about this. The brighter the toy is the better your child
will like it. And, as you will quickly discover, no matter what toys
you supply your child with, they will prefer whatever is around that
you don’t want them to have instead. If you buy your child a bright
new colorful toy and set it beside the remote (or anything else they
aren’t supposed to have), they will choose whatever that non-toy
item happens to be. Whether it is because they see you using those
things, or just because forbidden fruit always tastes the sweetest,
whatever the reason may be, it is almost always the case. One idea
for cheap entertainment is a cardboard egg carton (you will want to
watch them closely with this, though). My son, at 11 months had a
favorite toy- an envelope. After I opened any mail, I had to give him
the envelope, and he would place one hand on it and try to crawl
around while sliding it across the carpet. It was adorable to watch,
and it was some very cheap entertainment.
You Will Be able to do This-
Regardless of those sleepless nights, and the fears of doing
everything wrong, you will survive it, your baby will be happy and
healthy, and it will have all been worth it.
They don’t always eat as
planned- While they
may have certain nipples they prefer, and some that they refuse, they
also may be difficult all around. Some mothers have tried to
breastfeed only to discover that the baby wouldn’t, and then try
the bottle only to discover that they wouldn’t suck that either. In
some cases it has been bad enough to require feeding through droppers
and tubes (and this does not only apply to premature babies) for even
a matter of months. Also, some Brooklyn parents have reported that
there are certain months of the baby’s life that will cause it to
be harder to wean from the breast. Some say two months is a good
time, some say four months, and I have heard that when the baby is
three months old that it is nearly impossible to wean them.
Chapter
2
Toddler
and Preschooler Secrets
Secrets of Success
Toddler Proof Your House-
Everyone tells you to baby proof
your house, make sure you plug up the outlets, keep dangerous objects
out of reach, etc. What most people fail to mention are the things
that you love should be kept out of reach of those little hands. One
time, my son, who was three, at three you are supposed to be able to
leave things out, took a pencil and poked holes in my stereo
speakers. They were nice, expensive speakers that, after 5 minutes in
the presence of a 3 year old, were completely useless and sounded
terrible. Plants tend to become naked, having their leaves ripped off
as soon as you turn your back. This also applies to scissors. Keep
the scissors put up, no matter what. Even when your child is 3, 4,
even 5 or 6 years old, scissors need to never ever be in the reach of
children without you watching their use. Even when you know without a
doubt that your child is not in danger of harming themselves with the
scissors, something you should know is that every little girl cuts
her hair at some point or another. It is usually around the age of
three, when they start feeling like they are big enough to accomplish
such a task, that this happens. I, unfortunately, was not aware that
this happens to every child, and my first daughter was very sneaky in
doing this. I always keep the scissors put up, way high in the
cabinet, and I always have. On this particular day, I got the
scissors out and used them, and then the phone rang. I laid them up
on a shelf on my desk, thinking at the time, I will put those up in a
minute. The child wasn’t in the room, and to my knowledge, didn’t
even know the scissors were out. But within minutes, she had no
bangs. None, unless you count the one-centimeter long pieces of hair
that now sat atop her forehead. All it takes is a second.
Hide Things You Don’t Want
them to have-
A very important thing to
remember, when dealing with this age group, is that they can climb
very well. It is best to not let them know where anything they might
want is at. If they are obsessed with the candy, just keeping it in
the highest cabinet in your house might not be the only good idea.
You may also want to always get the candy down when they are not
looking. I knew one woman who had two little boys that were ages 4
and 2. They absolutely loved their chewable vitamins, and they knew
where she kept them- in the cabinet above the refrigerator. This was
a bad situation that resulted in a trip to the emergency room and a
stomach pump, all because they knew where it was, and she had left
the room for approximately five minutes. This just reiterates the
point that you should always not only keep things your child will
want out of their reach, but also keep them unaware of its location.
Terrible Two’s are not the
only bad phase-
Another secret about this
wonderful age is not something everyone will tell you. Everyone talks
about, or has at least heard of, the “terrible twos,” but no one
mentions that there are a few other similar phases that exist with
this. There are the “wandering ones”, the “threatening threes”,
and the “feisty fours”. Each of these phases comes with its own
set of issues, curiosity, and bad behavior. The thing to keep in
mind, though, is that it is not really “bad” behavior. Just
because your little boy put your shoe in the toilet does not mean he
is bad. To the contrary, it actually means he is quite normal. There
are just different developmental stages at each and every age, and
throughout every one of the toddler years, they are learning through
exploration and discovery. This means more than just studying the
world around them. Granted, it does include this, but it is nowhere
near limited to it. It also means putting their hands on everything
they can possibly touch, getting into everything within their reach
(or within their reach once they have climbed onto something),
climbing on everything, and seeing what will happen when they do
certain things. It is an experimental phase, and you really can’t
blame them. It’s just their nature. This is where the secret lies:
knowing in advance what to expect of these curious little creatures,
and then accepting it for what it is- part of growing up. This is not
to say that you should not discipline for these types of behaviors.
While they are normal, and they are to be expected, the rule still
stands that discipline needs to not only exist, but it also needs to
be enforced with consistency.
It just becomes much easier to
handle if you understand what their behavior is all about. For
example, you will automatically feel the overwhelming urge to pull
out your hair when you walk into the room to discover crayon marks on
the wall. But if you already know that this is going to happen in
advance, you might be able to fight that urge a little better. It
will not completely go away, and it is very possible that it never
will. After all, you are a parent, and each stage brings with it a
new reason to go either bald or gray. Try to remember that they are
just experimenting with their creative side.
Creative Discipline-
The discipline at this age works
really well when it is creative. Not just creative, but that it also
varies. It is not the same as disciplining a teenager. You likely
have no activities you can ground your child from, and their memories
are so short, they do not understand why they will not get to go to a
fun place a week after they misbehaved. The memory of a toddler is
short, so short in fact that it is almost nonexistent. And their
attention span is very short as well. Lecturing a toddler will not
work. It is likely that you can get them to sit still for a total of
about five minutes, but if you think they are hearing you during this
entire time, you are fooling yourself. And, if by some miracle, your
child actually is listening, and understands what you tell them, they
probably really care. But it will only matter to them for the length
of time that they can remember that conversation. For those who don’t
know, this probably not near as long as the lecture was (and this
applies whether the lecture lasted 2 minutes or twenty). It is hard
to find a discipline for a toddler that will work, because the truth
of it is, no matter what the discipline, they may remember it, but it
is not likely they will even remember what it is for. I have two
daughters, and one day, when they were 2 and 3, they got into my
make-up drawer. It took them all of about five minutes to have the
entire bathroom covered in purple makeup to the point that I had to
throw away or bleach almost everything in the room. They were in big
trouble for that. They had to get a big lecture (mostly yelling) and
then go sit separately on their beds in time-out with no toys, no
books from Amazon and Barnes and Noble, no talking, no fun whatsoever
for twenty minutes. Please keep in mind how long twenty minutes is to
a toddler, it is a lot longer than an adult’s twenty minutes. Then,
before they were allowed to get up, we again explained to them why
they had been punished, why it was wrong, reminded them what their
punishment had been, all of it. Then we informed them they would be
in bigger trouble if they did it again. I completely and totally
fooled myself on this occasion, because for a little while I actually
believed that we had accomplished something. Well, we did, for a
little while. And, when I say a little while, I actually mean a very
little while: all of
about three hours. Then they were back in there, playing in the
make-up (which, I feel I need to add, had been moved to a different
drawer after their previous escapade- and they did not see me do
this). I do have to let you know, to their credit, there had been a
nap between the two occasions, so the sleep must have wiped away
their memory.
Little children make decisions
based on what they know will be their punishment. The eventual goal,
of course, is to turn out an adult who makes the right decisions in
life because they want to do the right thing, not because they are
trying to avoid punishment. But there is a point at which this is
just not the case, even with the average adult. Why are you not a
bank robber? The reason you are not (this is, of course, assuming
that you aren‘t) is because it is just plain wrong. Granted, there
are some people who may not think it is wrong, but don’t do it
because they don’t want to face the punishment if they are caught.
They are not willing to do the time, so they just don’t do the
crime. This is why you should vary punishments often, even thought
the discipline has to stay consistent. Keep changing up the
punishment methods, and they won’t be able to choose to be bad, and
just accept that it is worth the punishment, because they don’t
have any idea what it will be.
Temper Tantrums-
Toddlers tend to throw fits, or
temper tantrums, on a pretty regular basis. This is actually one of
the most talked about topics out there so, technically, it’s not a
secret. But, you can’t talk about toddlers without mentioning their
fits and how to deal with them. When your child is throwing a fit,
you have two options: immediate punishment or completely ignoring
them. There are no other options here. You can not, no matter what,
give in to the fit. If you do, it becomes repetitive behavior. If you
plead with them, bribe them, asking them to stop, they are getting
attention. So, even if they do not get what they were actually hoping
to get by throwing the tantrum, they are still getting something out
of it, which is motivation for more. When it happens in a stores, you
should leave immediately. Most kids at this age love shopping at
Kings Plaza, Century 21, on Avenue J, or other local stores, and
after a couple of times, they will learn that throwing a fit will
cause them to have to leave, and they will not keep doing it. If you
are at home, or at someone’s house when it occurs, you should
either set them in timeout (or whatever form of punishment you use)
immediately, or completely ignore it. Once your child realizes that
they will either receive no response or only bad response, it will
not happen as often. This is not a guarantee that it will stop
completely, but they at least won’t occur as often.
Control Your Reactions-
Another secret to be aware of
about toddlers is that they watch you for how they should react to
every situation. If they fall down and you run to them making a big
deal out of it, and look at them as though you expect them to cry,
they will. If, however, you do something that gets their mind off the
pain and the fear of the fall, they will forget about it, and
possibly not cry. It is hard to do this, of course. As a parent, you
want to run to your child, pick them up, hug them and love them and
make it all better. But, sometimes this is more harmful than helpful.
If you just grab a toy and say, “Wow, look at this!” they might
become distracted. And they watch your face, too. It’s actually
very interesting. You can watch your child, and they can fall down,
and stand back up and look at you for a minute before they have any
reaction. They want to know what you think about what happened. The
absolute best reaction is to smile and say “Wow, look what a big
girl you are! You fell down big, huh?” Unless they really hurt
themselves, this will usually work.
Let them have socialization
time with other children-
If possible, it is good to set up
play dates, or even take them to the park to play with other
children. It is important for children to learn how to interact with
their peers. This is especially true in the case of only children,
but even children that have siblings have to learn that playing with
other children is not the same as playing with their brothers or
sisters.
shopping at Kings Plaza,
Century 21, on Avenue J, or other local stores with toddlers-
shopping at Kings Plaza, Century
21, on Avenue J, or other local stores can be very daunting when
toting a toddler along. They throw tantrums, ask for everything,
touch anything within their reach, and just make it all around more
difficult. The best way to combat this is to keep them preoccupied.
If there is one near you, shopping at Kings Plaza, Century 21, on
Avenue J, or other local stores at stores with fun carts helps
tremendously. Some stores are very family oriented and have shopping
at Kings Plaza, Century 21, on Avenue J, or other local stores carts
with a car attached to the front of them. Your child gets in, you
buckle them up, shut the door, and they steer the steering wheel
(which actually doesn’t change the direction of the cart) while you
shop undistracted. Some also have little carts made for little
children, so they feel big, and while they have both hands on the
bar, you get to be the one who is busy grabbing products off the
shelves.
Reverse Psychology-
When you can’t get your child
to do something, like put their shoes on, you can try the reverse
psychology trick. This is the best age to use this, because as they
get older they will know what you are doing, and it won’t work as
well. All you have to do is tell them you bet they can’t do
whatever it is you want them to do, such as put their shoes on. This
will abruptly be followed by your toddler telling you they can too,
and then they will do it.
Secrets No One Told
You
Bath Time-
You may not be aware of this, but
it is very likely that at any point during your child’s toddler
years, they will suddenly develop a fear of having their hair washed.
When this happens, it can be combated (as can most toddler issues) by
a little creative thinking. You can place stickers on the ceiling for
them to look up and point to, or have imaginary things you look for
each time. Tell him to look for the blue birdie and make a chirping
noise. You can do anything that might possibly cause him to look up
long enough to pour the water. Then, after a few times, he will feel
more secure about it, and it will get easier and easier over time.
Other Irrational Fears-
Bath time isn’t the only thing
that can become a sudden fear for a child of this age. Toddlers can
develop an irrational fear, often times a fear of something that they
have never been afraid of before, of many different kinds of things.
This has included such items as vacuum cleaners, trucks, animals, and
many more. The important thing to do in this situation is to not
force them to be exposed to their fear, and just wait it out. In
time, they will get over it, on their own.
Toilet Fun-
Regardless of how hard you try to
keep your child out of the bathroom at all costs, it will undoubtedly
happen: toilet play. They might not be able to do it because they
can’t open the door, but that will change. You may keep an eye on
them every second, but you have to sleep sometime. What it is about
the toilet that is so appealing, I have no clue. But it is, and I
have never met a child that didn’t play in it, or put a toy in it
at some point or another.
Toys and Christmas-
This one is not so really a
secret, because many people will tell you this. But, you tend to not
really believe them when they do. My mother told me when my son was a
toddler not to spent a whole bunch of money on toys because he would
play with the boxes more than he would the toy. I thought she was
exaggerating. She didn’t know my child well enough, I figured. Or,
maybe when I was a kid, she just didn’t buy me very good toys, so I
would rather have had the boxes. I, on the other hand, know exactly
what my child loves, and he is going to have a blast come Christmas
Day. Well, for approximately the one-millionth time, I had to yet
again concede that my mom had been right all along. Not only did he
not play with the toys, he would hardly even look at them. Here I was
surrounded with singing, dancing, brightly colored toys that I had
spent a small fortune on, while my son was across the room, sitting
in a box, a sticky ribbon bow on top of his head, shaking wrapping
paper and smiling like he had just won the lottery. It was more than
a little depressing. This is, by all means, your decision. Just don’t
say I didn’t warn you.
Cabinets and Drawers are Fair
Game-
If there is anything in your
kitchen cabinets or drawers that can harm your child or you just
don’t want them to have, you should really move it out of reach.
For whatever reason, toddlers love these things. If you don’t mind
the loud banging of pots and pans, keep them there in a cabinet, and
just let your kid have at them. If you can’t stand the noise,
though, you can put those up in a higher spot, and fill the lower
cabinets and drawers with Tupperware bowls and other quiet items. For
whatever reason, kids love these too.
A Toy Scheme-
A seldom talked-about trait of
toddlers is that they get bored with toys easily. Even if you buy
them a new toy every week, it is seldom enough to keep them occupied
for long, and you end up with a toy box, or entire room, full of toys
that no one ever has anything to do with. Unless you are rich, you
probably don’t want to go buy a whole new bunch of toys every few
months. Well, the good news is, you don’t have to. You can go
through your child’s toys from Toys R Us(and the best time to do
this is just before a birthday or Christmas), and box them up and
stores them in the garage or closet. Then, in a couple of months,
pull out that same box of toys. Your child will have forgotten all
about them until you bring them out- then they will be so excited
about having them again. They will either think they are all new
toys, or they will remember them, and each and every one will be
treated as if it were sorely missed while it was gone. What is really
good about this is that when you bring out that set, you can box up
the other toys, and reverse them each time. Then, of course, with
each birthday, etc, there will be more added to this collection. The
toys will get much more usage this way, and once every couple of
months, your child will actively play with them for about a week.
Chapter 4
Brooklyn public,
private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious beliefs
school-Age Children
In this book, I am defining
Brooklyn public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other
religious beliefs school-age children as children ages 6-12. This
chapter will include those secrets and tips for this age group.
Success Secrets
Encourage Physical Activity-
Let your child get outside often,
and get fresh air, while playing as a family. It is important that
you be physically active with your child, because if all they ever
see you do is sitting around watching television, they may not want
to do any more than that, either. Childhood obesity is severely on
the rise, and all you have to do to prevent this is limit your
child’s junk food intake and get active with them. Keep in mind the
entire time that what you do for your child, and teach your child,
during this time is paving the way for who and what they will be and
do as adults.
Encourage Schoolwork-
It is important not only to be involved in what your child is
interested and involved in, but also that you encourage the good
things they may do. Brooklyn public, private, or Christian, Jewish,
Moslem, or other religious beliefs school is one of the most
important ones. It is never too early to talk to your child about
what they want to do when they grow up, and to encourage all of their
ideas. Never burst your child’s bubble if they say they want to be
something you don’t believe they will ever do. The problem here is
that you genuinely don’t know what they will be, but by telling
them they can’t do something, you are ensuring that you are
correct. That’s not the goal, though. Your goal is to teach this
child to be the best person you can. In order to do this, you need to
always tell them you believe they can do anything, and tell it to
them so that they believe it wholeheartedly. No matter what it is. My
son, at 6, told me he wanted to build his own hang glider. I told him
to think up the best way and that he could probably make one. Had he
ever attempted it, and accomplished it, he would have never been
allowed to test whether or not it would work, but he realized on his
own that it would take more work to accomplish than he was willing to
put in. So, I never had to even tell him that he couldn’t jump off
the roof, and I never had to crush his self esteem. The two actually
can go hand in hand. This is the same with grades. Always, no matter
what their grades are, tell them how smart they are. Self-confidence
is responsible for most people’s achievements. If you are capable,
but don’t believe you can do something, so you don’t try, you
will most likely not succeed. If you try to do something you feel you
can do, whether you will be able to or not, you will come closer to
achieving the goal.
On Punishment-
At this age, threats don’t go
over near as well as giving them a choice. Instead of saying, “You
didn’t clean your room so now you can’t watch TV,” you can tell
them in advance “You have two choices: You can clean your room and
then watch TV, or you can not clean your room and not watch TV at all
today.” This only works when you use something that your child
doesn’t want to lose, of course. The punishment is the same, but
your child doesn’t feel threatened. This is the important part of
this idea, when they feel you are threatening them, they don’t want
to listen. When you present it to them as their option, they will
just choose the one that makes the most sense, without realizing that
you are technically still threatening to take away a privilege.
Know what they have access to-
Of course you know about
everything that is in your own house, and where it’s at. If you
have a gun, you know that it is locked up safely out of your child’s
reach and have taught him to never ever touch it. You have explained
to him what guns can do, and how he is never ever to touch one. If he
has ever been at other’s people’s houses without our supervision,
it was either at your relative’s, or at least someone you
personally knew well. You have been able to, thus far, know what is
around your kid at all times. But, now that he is in Brooklyn public,
private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious beliefs
school, he is making friends whose Brooklyn parents you don’t know
very well. He will be invited to birthday parties and sleepovers and
all kinds of outings, and, while you go meet the parent and try to
judge what kind of person they are before ever leaving your child in
their care, you don’t get a very long period of time in which to do
this. You have no idea if those people have guns, or where they keep
them. You don’t know if they take prescription medicine and keep it
in the Tylenol bottle in the cabinet, you don’t know any of it, and
you won’t be there to check it, nor will you be there to keep an
eye on your child. You may feel uncomfortable asking if they have
guns in there house, but at not near the strength of guilt you will
feel, if you decide not to and something bad happens. So ask. You
also need to talk to your child about these types of topics. You may
be able to trust that you have taught your child well enough to not
ever pick up a gun, but what if they don’t realize that it is a
real one. What if your child is at a friend’s house and sees a gun
on the counter- the only guns laying around your house are toy ones-
and he picks it up thinking it is a toy. This is why you should teach
your child not to ever touch one, even if he thinks it is a toy, if
you are not with him. Same goes for medicine and a million other
things. Just remember that you may be a responsible parent, but not
everyone is. And, unfortunately, your child getting older means that
there will also be times where, unbeknownst to you, your kid is under
the care of one of these types of people.
Saving their dignity-
One thing to remember about
children of this age is that they are already very concerned with
what other children think of them. At the same time, they are very
interested in trying daredevil stunts (for example, jumping off of
the roof to land on the trampoline, causing such momentum that they
will now land directly in the pool five feet away). If you are
concerned that your child is doing something that will harm them, you
will obviously need to put a stop to it before they do actually get
hurt, but if they have friends around watching, you also want to try
to preserve their self-esteem as well. It will ruin your child’s
dignity (and it is crucial to try to keep this intact, even with
children this age) if you said “Get down from there right now! You
will hurt yourself!” in front of their friends. It makes them look
like a baby, and their friends will pick on them. Another way to go
about it, although this only works if there are smaller children
around, would be to tell them that the small children are watching
them, and will follow what they do, so it would be irresponsible of
them. This allows them to keep their dignity (none of them want to be
responsible for hurting the younger ones), and encourages them to do
the right thing. Your child may know what you are doing, but it’s a
lot harder to argue with than just saying “Because I said so.”
shopping at Kings Plaza,
Century 21, on Avenue J, or other local stores Trips-
Kids at this age, especially the
younger ones, can be a real handful when it comes time to go shopping
at Kings Plaza, Century 21, on Avenue J, or other local stores. They
want everything, or “just one thing.” They do not understand the
concept of not having enough money, or they forget that they
misbehaved last week, and no matter what reason you may give, they
are all hands, wanting whatever they see. One way to combat this is
to keep them busy. If you give them a piece of paper and a pen on the
way to the stores (and this doesn’t have to only occur at older
ages, as long as they can write their letters they can do it- if they
only know letters, you can spell out each word for them, abbreviating
to make it easier). Then, when you get to the stores, your child can
hold the list, and you can tell them each thing that’s on it as you
go. Have them get the item off the shelf, and put it in the basket,
and then mark it off the list. This keeps their minds occupied, as
well as their hands. While they still may ask for some things, it
probably won’t be near as much if they hadn’t been preoccupied.
eating at Brooklyn restaurants
such as Dressler, Bozu, Kosher Delight, Jerusalem Pizza, El Almacen,
Aurora, Peter Lugar Steak House, Fornino, Garden of Eden, Dumont,
restaurant Vegetables-
Again, as with most ages in
Brooklyn parenting, the best way to get your child to do what they
need to do, or what you want them to do, is to get a little creative.
It works the same with getting them to eat their vegetables (or
actually, anything else they don’t like to eat that is good for
them). One way of doing this is to give fun names for the foods. For
example “broccoli” just sounds yucky. If it is a “tree”, it
seems a lot more appealing. Another way to get them to eat a certain
kind of food is to tell them that their favorite animal eats whatever
it is they don’t want to eat. For example, my son loves cheetahs.
He actually would like to be one when he grows up, I think. So
whatever it is that he is eating at Brooklyn restaurants such as
Dressler, Bozu, Kosher Delight, Jerusalem Pizza, El Almacen, Aurora,
Peter Lugar Steak House, Fornino, Garden of Eden, Dumont, restaurant
, I tell him that I bet he would eat it if he were a cheetah, or that
I bet if a cheetah were here he would eat it all up. He is getting
old enough that he doesn’t always fall for it, and you will see him
evaluating whether or not he should actually eat it, but he usually
gives in and does it. This actually works best when it is something
the animal really does eat, and that can be proven. For example, we
call lettuce and carrots “rabbit food” in my house. This one can
be proven by watching or feeding a rabbit, looking at a book about
rabbits, all kinds of things. The proof makes it work even better.
Another way to get them to eat foods they normally wouldn’t like is
to cut them into fun shapes. There is also another idea, which
involves different dipping sauces. A plain carrot stick becomes a lot
more flavorful when dipped in ranch dip. You can give them many
different choices of dips in advance and it can make all the
difference. They tend to focus on the dip they picked, and don’t
concern themselves with the food they are eating at Brooklyn
restaurants such as Dressler, Bozu, Kosher Delight, Jerusalem Pizza,
El Almacen, Aurora, Peter Lugar Steak House, Fornino, Garden of Eden,
Dumont, restaurant that they dislike. When you say, okay what kind
of dip do you want? They will pick one. Then you set the carrots and
dip in front of them, and they will almost always not say anything.
If they do, it will usually be just a small complaint, because the
only way they will be allowed the dip is if they eat it on the carrot
stick.
Bully Issues-
In today’s society, and with
situations like Columbine still fresh on the minds of every child
attending Brooklyn public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or
other religious beliefs school, this has become a very big issue. All
Brooklyn parents remember the bully situation from Brooklyn public,
private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious beliefs
school days. Either you were picked on, picked on someone else, or
saw someone get picked on. Whatever it was, the fact that every
single person reading this is in agreement on this point tells us
bullying is not a new problem with Brooklyn public, private, or
Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious beliefs school-age
kids. But, with our society, it is no longer just “part of growing
up” as so many Brooklyn parents viewed it in the past. And, as a
parent, you do not want your child to ever have to deal with such
problems. At the same time, though, you also do not want your child
to be the one picking on others. According to a poll completed on
over 1200 kids in March of this year, 86% of all kids surveyed said
they had seen someone else being bullied at some time or another. 48%
said they had been bullied before, and even 42% admitted they had
bullied some one (with 15% of these admitting that they pick on
someone on a daily basis. While many of the students polled said that
they had never been bullied, it is still an issue- out of the kids
who admitted to having been bullied, 15% of them said it occurs at
least weekly.
Bullies tend to pick on kids that
appear weaker, or are different in some way or another. For example,
wearing glasses, overweight children, mentally different (and this
includes smarter and slower), can all be reason enough for a bully to
pick on someone. While these are not the only things that will cause
them to pick out a certain person to treat badly, these are some of
the most common. Of course, none of them are justifiable. No matter
what is different about a child, they do not deserve to be picked on.
These aren’t usually the only factors though. A lot of times, kids
will bully because of peer pressure, or just because they don’t
like another child, but a lot of times they are taking out their own
frustrations on that child. They may be jealous, because that kid
gets better grades, or they may be allowed to do whatever they want
at home, so they know they won’t get in any trouble. After all, if
a child will never face consequences for their actions, why would
they concern themselves with behaving? This is, however, not always
the case. Many times the bully’s Brooklyn parents are very
involved, and try to teach their child to do right, and they aren’t
even aware of the discretions. Don’t automatically assume that a
bully’s Brooklyn parents aren’t involved, because it isn’t
always the case.
If you suspect that your child is
being bullied, there are a few signs to watch for. The obvious would
be them coming home with bruises, cuts, or a black eye. Usually,
though, it starts out less harmful physically than this, so there are
many other things to watch for. It is also important that you try to
catch it in advance of it escalating to this, that way you can avoid
it extending over a long period of time. The longer it is done to
your child, the more it will hurt them emotionally (and possibly
physically). TO try to catch it early, be aware of the following
signs, and start looking for them if you suspect this might be the
case:
Missing belongings- This is one
of the most common ones. Your child takes something to Brooklyn
public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious
beliefs school that a bigger, meaner, tougher kid likes, and they
steal it from them. This can also be in the form of coming home more
hungry than usual, because they will often take lunches or lunch
money.
Sudden attitude change- This one
also occurs very often with bullying, especially when it is an
attitude about Brooklyn public, private, or Christian, Jewish,
Moslem, or other religious beliefs school. They are frustrated about
what is being done to them, but for whatever reason (sometimes
threats, sometimes they just don’t want to be a tattle-tail) they
haven’t told you about it. They may become edgy and have a bad
attitude in general. This can also appear in the form of them
becoming more emotional than usual. Scenario: They ask to go outside.
You say not right now, wait until later. Then they start crying
because you said no. Anytime your child starts crying about something
and it is baffling you as to why they are so upset, start asking
questions and paying attention for other signs.
Bringing homework home that is
not theirs- A lot of kids get bullied into doing other children’s
work for them. Your child may not tell you, so watch what their
homework is, and if it appears it is something that he shouldn’t
have until a later grade, or he is doing the same page twice, start
asking him about it.
Not wanting to go to Brooklyn
public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious
beliefs school- Every child will have their off-days. Those days they
wake up and just don’t feel like dealing with Brooklyn public,
private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious beliefs
school. They may make up that they are sick, or they may tell you the
truth, that they just need a break. This is completely normal. After
all, who doesn’t call in sick to work every great once in a while
when they just don’t feel like going? But if this occurs frequently
over a short period of time (even if it is two days in a row) be
wary.
What You Can Do-
Talk about it in advance of it
happening- In the very beginning, before your child starts Brooklyn
public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious
beliefs school, talk to them about bullies, and what to do if they
are ever picked on at Brooklyn public, private, or Christian, Jewish,
Moslem, or other religious beliefs school, especially if there is
something about your child that you think might lead kids to be mean
to them (they wear glasses, etc. My son is the smallest kid in his
grade, so, remembering what other kids were like when I was in
Brooklyn public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other
religious beliefs school has kept me for it all along. This came in
handy when the time came). If you do this in advance, and throughout
the Brooklyn public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other
religious beliefs school year, you will help keep the lines of
communication open about it, and maybe they will come to you if it
ever occurs. They still may not, but it’s a lot more likely than if
you never discussed it with them.
Teach them how to respond to
them- When you talk to your child about it, also inform them of
different methods of dealing with bullies. If you aren’t sure what
to tell them, you can go to www.bullystoppers.com to find out more
information. This site tells how to recognize when bullying is
occurring, comebacks to say to them, ways of avoiding them,
information for Brooklyn parents on what to do in different
situations, and much more.
If your child has already been
bullied- The very first thing to do is to immediately find out all
the details, including child’s name, or description, what happened,
where it happened, and all other details that your child will tell
you. Then, contact your child’s Brooklyn public, private, or
Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious beliefs school. If it
happened on the bus (as it many times does), talk to the bus driver
and whoever is in charge of the busses (this is usually someone that
is not linked directly with the Brooklyn public, private, or
Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious beliefs school).
Bullying on busses has actually become such a problem that many have
started having video cameras on them for evidence and to hopefully
thwart any problems. There are numerous cases which have escalated
into outright brutality, even more so than just a childhood black
eye. There were reports of a five year old in New York who was on a
bus with only five year olds, when someone opened the emergency exit
door and pushed him out. The driver stopped when he realized the
emergency door was opened, but had already turned a corner, and
didn’t know that he had fallen out. Not one of the children on the
bus mentioned to him that he had. The child lived, luckily, but ended
up with over thirty stitches on his head because of it. Keep in mind
how this type of behavior can escalate, and pay attention to what
others have done, such as cameras on the busses. It is good to be
aware of, because then, when the officials act as if there is nothing
they can do (as they often will), you can lobby for changes as
necessary.
Whether it happens on a bus or at
Brooklyn public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other
religious beliefs school, at the bus stop, or in the local park, find
out the kid’s name, and then file a formal complaint through all
avenues. Then, find out how to get in touch with the child’s
Brooklyn parents. This is usually the most effective way to address
the issue. No parent likes another parent coming up to their house to
tell them their child is tormenting another kid. Their Brooklyn
parents’ punishment will likely be a lot harsher than the Brooklyn
public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious
beliefs school’s.
Secrets they Forgot
to Mention
You won’t always have the
answers-
When a child hits the age of
about 5, they become very curious about everything. The word why is
spoken by them around the world approximately 227 times per day per
child. And, each answer you give leads to the next question. This
understandably gets severely annoying. But, what is really annoying
is when your child asks you a question you don’t know the answer
to. When you were a child, it seemed like your Brooklyn parents had
the answer for everything. So, now do you just not remember the times
they didn’t know, or were they really that much smarter ever than
you are now, or did they just fake really well? Who knows, and you
can go about this however you want to. Make something interesting up,
tell them that you don’t know, or say you will tell them later,
with later coming only after you have had time to look that
particular bit of information up. I don’t have the best answer on
this one, I am just telling the secret about it happening (and trust
me, it will).
Chapter
5
Teenage
Secrets
Many people know that the teen
years can get kind of crazy. Brooklyn parents of young children dread
it, and the ones past it are thankful they never have to go back.
They are so hard to deal with, but they are a necessary time in your
child’s growth process. That battle of her to exert her
independence, and the battle from you to keep holding on are very key
roles in this process, and they will help develop them into strong
adults. Knowing this, however, usually doesn’t help ease the mind
of the parent of a teenager.
When you have a teenager who fits
what you could only describe as a “problem child”, there is a
little advice that might help you.
Secrets of Success
Remember What it Was Like-
One of the biggest secrets to
having a teenager is trying to never forget the things you did as
one. This can help in so many cases. It will help you be able to know
what they are up to, without ever digging too deep. They won’t even
know that you are suspicious of them. This also helps in trying to
understand them. It’s easy as an adult facing the trials and
tribulations of supporting a family, paying bills and all that, to
forget what it was like for it to really seem important that
so-and-so was talking bad about you at Brooklyn public, private, or
Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious beliefs school. It
really felt like your world was coming to an end if someone didn’t
ask you on a date, or you were turned down when you asked someone.
It seems as if everything that
they are griping about is trivial, and in all actuality it is, in
your world. But in their world, which is different than yours, it
means a whole lot more. It is normal to forget how much those things
meant back then, but if you can try to remember, it will make things
a little easier during this trying time. This is a very important
secret to keep in mind, and to expose to the world as much as
possible. If you can only try to remember your feelings at their age,
it might very well cause a lot less arguments.
Keep them Busy-
One of the best ways to keep your teenager out of trouble is to keep
them preoccupied. While this will never mean guaranteed success, it
is definitely beneficial, and could possibly keep them out of
trouble. The old saying “An idle mind is the devil’s playground”
applies here. Even if you aren’t Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or
other religious beliefs, it still makes sense. When kids of this age
are bored and sitting around thinking of what they can do, they often
come up with some very bad ideas. A really good way to give them less
opportunity to do this is to keep them involved in things that
interest them. After-Brooklyn public, private, or Christian, Jewish,
Moslem, or other religious beliefs school activities, sports, a club,
there are many different activities you can get them involved in that
will at least help avoid this type of situation.
Expect an Attitude-
This is the prime time for a bad
attitude, and most teens have it at some point or another. They are
getting bigger, sometimes the size of their Brooklyn parents already,
and are trying to assert their independence. You should do two things
here: Punish for the behavior, and remember that it is not personal
and will pass in time.
Try not to hold on too tight-
Many times this becomes the biggest problem between Brooklyn parents
and teenagers. Brooklyn parents feel them growing up ad slipping
away, so they try to keep them close, not wanting them to grow up. At
the same time, the teenager is enjoying growing up, and usually wants
to be even older than what they are. This causes an immediate clash,
and will not go away until resolved. Although it will be hard to
actually resolve it, you can at least try by letting them have a
little space and hoping for the best.
Sex-
Most teens these days are sexually active before they ever get out of
high Brooklyn public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other
religious beliefs school. Believe it or not, some are even doing it
in junior high or middle Brooklyn public, private, or Christian,
Jewish, Moslem, or other religious beliefs school. Although we do not
want them to be having sex so young, there is really not a whole lot
we can do to prevent it. The best thing you can do for them is to
educate them. Not just tell them what it is all about, but to inform
them of the many different sexually transmitted diseases, and the
many different methods of birth control. A very big key in this is to
not wait too long. Think back to when you were a teenager, and what
age you were when you started wondering about sex. Not when you
started wanting to do it, because not only have times changed, but
you do not want to wait until the last minute. Chances are, you will
be too late. And, they don’t have to have gotten pregnant or
contracted a sexually transmitted disease for it to be termed too
late. If they are already having sex when you approach them about it,
it is too late. Then, they will not really even pay attention to what
you are saying, let alone really take you seriously. They will ignore
you, because they feel like they have already learned it. As they get
older and learn more about it, they will see that the majority of
what they thought was incorrect, but they won’t know that then, and
that’s what matters. For example, if you wait until your child is
16 to talk about this, and little did you know, he has been having
sex for a year, he will not listen when you tell him, Condoms are
good, but to be extremely safe, use spermicidal too. While you are
talking, and his face will never show this, he is mocking you in his
head. He will be thinking, while you are sweating through this whole
conversation, No, Dad, condoms work just fine, and they have been
working for a year. But he will never tell you this, and you won’t
know that he didn’t listen until a year later when he comes home to
tell you that his condom broke and his girlfriend is pregnant. Of
course, this is one of the worst-case scenarios, and even if they do
ignore what you tell them, talking to them too late is definitely
better than not talking to them at all. Give them not only the
information, but also the access, and try to keep it an open
discussion. The earlier and more open you are about sex, the more
likely they are to come to you with any questions later. And it is
imperative that they feel they can come to you about this topic,
otherwise they will learn it from ill-informed friends, or through
trial and error. And trial and error in this situation is never ever
a good idea. If your child seems extremely uncomfortable talking to
you about this (keep in mind, most kids will be somewhat
uncomfortable, this is for the most extreme), and you really believe
that your child will not come to you when they need to, refer them to
a trusted adult. Their aunt, or one of your friends are sometimes
good options. It needs to be a person you trust and that your child
trusts, and you should talk to each of them about bringing it up to
the other. This is not quite as healthy as a child being able to talk
to their own parent, but it is much better than having no one at all.
Drugs-
Know that your child will be
faced with peer pressure and the opportunity to experiment, and will
be very tempted, if not do it. It is very important that you sit down
and talk to them before this situation ever arises. Otherwise, it
will be just like the sex talk, if they have already done it, they
really don’t care what your opinion is, because they have already
formed their own about it. Also know that you should not lie to your
children about this. I have known Brooklyn parents that told their
children that smoking marijuana would kill them, and expected them to
never try it because they were afraid the first time they smoked it
they would die. It didn’t work, though. This child had friends who
smoked and they never died, so instead of going to her parent with
questions about it, she decided to try it on her own. After all, she
knew she wouldn’t be getting the truth from the parent.
Troubled Teens-
In the time we are living in
Flatbush, Midwood, Bay Ridge, Bensonhurst, Crown Heights, Park Slope,
Mill Basin, Dyker Heights, neighborhood, our teenagers are faced with
more and more opportunities to become involved in something harmful
to them. With gangs, drugs, sex, violence, and the society around
them glamorizing things like this, it can be nearly impossible
sometimes to convince your child that these things are not something
they should be involved in. While the teenage years are a time of
experimentation and learning, and asserting their independence, and
always have been, the fact that there is more opportunity for your
child to get in a bad situation can be very frightening. They can
become out of control for many different reasons. If your teen is
what you would deem out of control, you are probably about ready to
pull out your hair, and may feel you are at the end of your rope. It
would be nice to know that there are options to keep in mind just in
case your worst fears come true. Luckily, there are a few, and they
are listed below.
Boarding Schools- This should
only be a consideration if your child has gotten so out of control
that you fear they are going to end up in jail, or addicted to drugs
or anything else just as devastating. If this is the case, though,
and you have exhausted all other avenues of getting your child to
behave as they should, you may want to check into boarding schools.
Sometimes just the threat of sending your child there if they don’t
straighten up is enough to change their behavior. You should do your
research about several different ones, and find the one that fits
best, and then tell your child all the details about it, and that
they have a certain amount of time to prove that they don’t need to
be sent there, that they can learn to control their behavior more
appropriately without the necessity of sending them away. If they
don’t, though, you have to follow through with the threat. You
obviously will not have any desire to send your child away, but do
not threaten them with this option unless you are willing to follow
through. There are many resources available to find out information
about these, in case you are interested.
Behavior Contracts- There is
another method of dealing with behavioral problems at this age, and
it’s not quite as harsh as sending them off to a military Brooklyn
public, private, or Christian, Jewish, Moslem, or other religious
beliefs school. Create a contract. It will need to be an agreed upon
contract that states all requirements of your child, and all
consequences for each action and inaction. There are a few things to
focus on when doing this though. You will not want to make a behavior
contract for only one teen if there are any other children this age
in the house. They will feel offended because you are singling them
out, and will automatically be defensive, making it harder for it to
work.
Instead, every preteen and teen
in the house should be supplied with one. Also, everyone needs to sit
down together and decide on the few most severe issues. When you make
your child a part of deciding which actions deserve which
punishments, when they break those rules, they are less likely to
feel you are being unfair. For more advice about contracts and for a
printout version of one that is pre-made, go to
www.teenswithproblems.com.
The Secret No One
Told You
These can actually be really
great times-
Aside from your child wanting to
be independent, and all the issues that come along with that, this
can be a really fun time for the parent and child. You will have a
new level of friendship, because now they are old enough to talk to
about real issues, and for you to even debate with and get their
opinions about things. It can be a very joyous time in many cases.
Unfortunately, no one ever talks about this part of Brooklyn
parenting teenagers, but it does exist. They are bigger, more
intelligent, and more fun than they ever have been before. You can
relate to them better than you could when they were smaller, and they
to you.
Chapter
6
College
Kids
First things first, which means
you should be congratulated on making it through the teen years with
your child. They are, after all, technically still teenagers, but
they are living somewhere else. If they made it to college, you
probably did a pretty good job in raising them so far, so you should
be pleased with them up to this point. Now you just have to make it
through the next four years.
While most of your duties that
have been in place as a parent for the last 18 or so years are not in
effect anymore, you will have new trials to face. The two biggest
challenges Brooklyn parents face while their child is in college are
empty nest syndrome and financial issues. These can both be handled a
little more easily if you are prepared, so these are the ones I am
focusing on here.
Empty Nest Syndrome-
For those who may not know, the
empty nest syndrome is a very common occurrence among Brooklyn
parents whose children are going off to college. While all Brooklyn
parents may feel some form of this, it seems to be most predominant
in women. This is mainly because for the last 18, 20, or possibly
more years, the mother has seen motherhood as her primary role. Even
if she worked full-time the entire time her child was growing up, it
is very likely that being a mother has been her most predominant and
most important role. Thus, when the child is leaving the nest, so to
speak, it may result in feelings of grief for the loss of the child
in the home. This is completely normal, and to be expected. When you
have had a person live in your house for eighteen or more years, it
is completely expected that you would be sad when they leave.
There are many different reasons
these feelings may set in, and some people are more susceptible than
others. Likewise, there are many different ways to try to combat the
feelings of depression you may feel.
What Makes You a Likely
Candidate-
If you fit many of these
categories, you will want to take the necessary precautions to keep
yourself occupied and to try to avoid it being a horrible experience.
Any change causes you stress- If
you are one of the many people who approaches change as a bad thing,
instead of a challenge, or new horizons, this time might be extremely
difficult for you.
You do not believe your child is
ready- It is hard enough already to let go of your child, but if you
fear that you will have, or are having, sleepless nights because you
don’t think they are ready to take care of themselves and make the
right decisions, it will be extremely hard during this time.
You have a history of not being
able to let go- If experiences like moving out of your own parent’s
home, sending your child to kindergarten, and other such times of
letting go have been extremely hard for you, it is likely this time
won’t be any different. Or, maybe it will be different, but likely
not in a good way.
They were full-time Brooklyn
parents- This one is sort of a given. It’s just like any other job,
really. Forget for a second that it is harder than any other job you
could ever have, or that it takes up more of your time than any other
career ever could. Even without these qualities, any job that you
have worked at for two decades is going to be a hard thing to let go
of. At least for Brooklyn parents who had a career outside the home,
they still have it when their children leave. If your entire career
has been caring for your child, and now they are gone, it will be
very stressful.
They are unmarried, or have an
unhappy marriage- Brooklyn parents who at least have a partner to
fall back on are able to handle this a little better. If you are not
married, you will likely want to try to form strong reliable
friendships to fall back on.
Other Life Stresses- If you are
already in the middle of another form of grief or stress when college
time rolls around, it could very well compound the unhappiness of
your child leaving. This could be everything from going through a
divorce, someone dying, money issues, going through menopause, or
many more.
Coping With and Combating it-
There are a variety of ways to
try to combat these feelings, and the more you implement, the better
off you will be.
Focus on New Relationships- This
means several different things. Not only will you want to focus on
new relationships to keep you busy, such as renewing your
relationship with your spouse, or dating if you are divorced, and
developing as many new meaningful friendships as possible, but also
focusing on the new relationship you will have with your child. You
have forever been just a parent, and them a child. Now that they are
an adult, the rules have changed, and you can develop a completely
new type of relationship with them. Many times, this new adult
relationship is better than the original parent-child one that you
have had for so long. You can now be friends, because your child no
longer has to play by your rules. They can like you as a person, not
just as a parent.
Fill Your Time- If you don’t
already have a job, you might consider getting one at this time. Even
if it something simple, a part time job, and you don’t even need
the money. The drama of a workplace will at least give you something
to think about besides the empty room your child no longer sleeps in.
Meet Goals- If you have an old
list of goals you never achieved, start pursuing them now. If you
always wanted to write a book, but never got around to it, sit down
and start writing. Whatever it may have been, try it. If you don’t
have an old list that you can begin to tackle, sit down and make one.
Think about all those times you had no time for yourself because you
were busy with your children. Those times that you thought, If
only I had the time, I would… Then
make a list of all those things, and get busy on them. Whatever it
was, accomplishing something new will give you a new challenge to
focus on, and a new sense of accomplishment once you succeed.
Volunteer- If you don’t want to
work, but need something to fill empty time, consider volunteering.
There are many different types of volunteer programs, and not only
will they fill your days, but volunteering also boosts your
self-esteem. It always feels good to do something for others, and
mothers are accustomed to that, which is one of the many things that
will make this option such a good choice.
Don’t Make Any Big Decisions-
Making any big changes, such as selling your house, should never be
made while under stress. You may not be able to think about all of
your options clearly, and might regret the decision later.
Acknowledge it and know that it
is Normal- You can not ignore these feelings, and you should never
try to. You should talk to people about them, find support groups
with other Brooklyn parents who are going through the same thing.
Write your feelings in a journal to help sort through them. If you
are having trouble eating at Brooklyn restaurants such as Dressler,
Bozu, Kosher Delight, Jerusalem Pizza, El Almacen, Aurora, Peter
Lugar Steak House, Fornino, Garden of Eden, Dumont, restaurant or
sleeping, and feel that this has led to a real depression, seek
professional help.
Create a Ritual- When someone
dies the grief is dealt with during the funeral. Granted, it is not
only dealt with at this time, but the funeral helps you come to terms
with what is going on, and you are usually able to face that grief
because of it. It is no different with any form of grief. If you need
to, perform some sort of ritual that will help you face it, such as
helping your child take everything out of their childhood room, and
then redecorating it. Another idea is to plant a tree the day your
child moves out.
Prepare for the Future- While
empty nest syndrome can affect you on your first child moving out all
the way to the youngest, you need to be prepared for when that last
child will be leaving. If it is your oldest going off to college, you
will undoubtedly have sadness and grief, but at least you still play
a role as full time mother when there are other children in the
house. Know that whatever you are feeling now will become much more
difficult when that last child moves out and there are none left at
home.
Prepare Financially-
There are many issues that come
along with sending a child off to college, and financial problems are
one of the most common. This is a time that you will either be
thankful that you taught your child to be responsible with money, or
you will be kicking yourself for not doing so. Not only does it cost
a lot of money to send your child off to college, but there are a few
things you might not think about in advance that are helpful little
secrets to know.
Credit Cards- This is a battle
that, no matter how hard you fight, is extremely difficult to win.
You may decide you do not want your child to have a credit card
because you do no think they are financially responsible enough to
handle one. Not only are you looking out for your child’s best
interests, but you are also looking out for your own, since, even
though he is 18, you will be held accountable for any balances he
incurs. Unfortunately, credit card companies have jumped on this, and
marketing credit cards to college kids has become a billion dollar
business. That might not be so bad, except that many credit card
companies do not deem it necessary for the parent to sign the
application. Even when a college student has no income of their own,
and lists their Brooklyn parents’ income as what will be used to
pay the bill, that parent who is ultimately held responsible for the
payment is not needed for approval. This is not an easy problem to
avoid. One of the best ways to try to keep this from happening is to
not only tell your child you do not want them getting any credit
cards you don’t approve of, but cutting up any you find out and
don’t want them to have. This would be totally different if you
weren’t the one who would be paying the bill, but if you will be,
it’s kind of your call. Your child, does, however, need money, but
there are a couple of ways to go about this without it costing you so
much. You can get them a credit card before they ever go to college
that has a small limit amount on it. There can be an agreement in
advance that if this credit card is to be kept, they have to agree
not to apply for or accept any others. Yes, if you do this, you will
still have a payment, and you will still have to pay the interest
charges, but at least this way you have some control over making sure
that your child gets the best type of card with the least amount of
finance charges. This age is an age where you are just now able to
get credit cards, and they are very appealing. If you don’t help
set your child up with one, and agree upon limits in advance, do not
be surprised if your child shows up on Thanksgiving with 4 different
cards (probably all maxed out). Another way to keep this from
happening, and to also avoid interest, is to supply your child with a
prepaid card, or a debit card. This way, you can put the money in
there in advance, and they will learn to make their money stretch a
little farther. Otherwise, it feels more like they are getting it all
for free, which makes it easy to go overboard when using credit
cards. Although they probably know that if they used it all, you
would put more money in, but it just doesn’t feel the same when
it’s money you already put there, and just a few dollars a month
for credit.
Chapter 7
Secrets for
Grandparents
This chapter is for those
Brooklyn parents who have now become grandparents. During this time,
you and are faced with a whole new type of Brooklyn parenting. Not
only are you now a grandparent, and have a new relationship with your
grandchild to develop as you go, but you also have a new scope of
Brooklyn parenting to deal with.
This chapter will include secrets
of success and for Brooklyn parenting those children who have grown
up and become Brooklyn parents, and also a section including secrets
for grandparents who might suddenly be filling the role of parent to
their grandchildren.
Secrets in Brooklyn
parenting Brooklyn parents
You know you did at least a
decent job raising your children. After all, they turned out alright.
Knowing this, you have quite a bit of advice to give. But, your child
may not want it. And you might do something nice for your grandchild,
and suddenly your child is mad at you for it, and you can’t even
figure out why. Or, what do you do if your adult offspring ends up in
a divorce, and the spouse won’t let you be a part of the child’s
life anymore. These things can all make this process very difficult.
It is understandable that this would be such a hard time. This is
still your little child, the one you raised from birth, and up until
not too long ago, were completely responsible for. Now that baby is
having their own baby, and you want to step in and take control, or
at least help. At the same time, though, your child is facing the
insecurities of having a new child and trying to get it all right and
feel competent. When you give advice, even well-meaning advice, it
can cause problems. Follow a few of the secrets to keeping this
stress out of your relationship.
Giving Advice-
This is probably the touchiest of
all subjects when it comes to Brooklyn parenting your grandchildren’s
Brooklyn parents. You should definitely give advice when you feel it
is desperately needed, but you have to learn to hold your tongue. The
thing to remember is that there a many different ways to parent, and
just because your child may be doing something different does not
mean that it won’t work just fine. When you are asked for advice,
feel free to give it, but try not to ever give orders. Instead, just
offer up suggestions, or tell them what worked for you. Do not
criticize what they are doing. You will be surprised, when your child
stops seeing your advice as criticisms, they will be much more apt to
come to you for it freely.
Giving Gifts-
It is important that you do not
lavish your grandchild all the time with gifts that are out of their
Brooklyn parents’ financial reach. This is bad for a couple of
reasons. One is that you do not want to make your child feel that
they are an inadequate parent, or like they don’t measure up
financially. Another reason not to do this is that it will make your
child look bad. Granted, that is the good part of being a
grandparent, but you don’t want to take it so far that it causes
any problems in your relationship with your child.
When Divorce or Estrangement
Causes Problems-
This one can become rather
tricky, but you should try to be as easy to get along with as
possible. Remember that your relationship with your grandchild is
more important than pride. And, while the other person you are
dealing with is technically an adult, they are acting as a child
dealing with a parent (this is one of those times where it becomes
painfully clear that the job of a parent is never done).
If you act as civilly as
possible, and it garners nothing for you, you can always take them to
Brooklyn Family Court to get visitation rights. Many cases about
grandparents wanting to see their grandchildren have been taken to
Brooklyn Family Court and won. Talk to a lawyer if this is the case.
Brooklyn parenting
Grandchildren
For many different reasons, there
are more and more grandparents finding themselves in the parent role
for their grandchildren. Either the parent is not around at all, or
you may be the head of your household, which includes your child and
their child. In this case, you are likely still acting as a parent
figure for the child, just assisting the child’s real parent.
Possibly this is because the number of teenagers becoming pregnant
has risen dramatically over the last couple of decades. In 2000, the
US Census Bureau reported over 4 million children were living in
Flatbush, Midwood, Bay Ridge, Bensonhurst, Crown Heights, Park Slope,
Mill Basin, Dyker Heights, and other neighborhood households headed
by grandparents. This number is double what it was in 1980. There are
many reasons that a grandparent might be acting as the parent, but of
that 4 million, almost half were due to some sort of drug or alcohol
addiction on the part of the parent. The rest were a variety of
reasons, ranging from abandonment by Brooklyn parents, death,
illness, or disability of one or both Brooklyn parents,
incarceration, and divorce of the natural Brooklyn parents. Whatever
the cause of your situation, there are a few very important secrets
to keep in mind.
Don’t Berate the Parent-
Never talk bad about your grandchild’s parent in front of them.
Be prepared for anger- As
the child gets older, they will be angry with their parent for not
being able to take care of them. Whatever the reason is that keeps
your child from doing their job doesn’t even matter. The child will
be furious at the parent for it. Try not to encourage the anger. You
do not want to try to get them to ignore it, by any means, because it
is something that they need to face, and deal with. But, you are
likely mad at the parent, too. Not only for just doing what they are
doing, but fro making your innocent, precious grandchild feel such
pain, as well. What I mean here is to be certain not to encourage it
by telling them what you think of the situation. No matter what you
actually feel about it, you do not want to add fuel to the fire, and
you should just remind them that their parent does love them and that
you do, too, and that it is beyond their parent’s control (even if
it’s not, don’t tell them this).
They will feel abandoned, and
they will possibly blame themselves, on top of blaming the parent.
You will want to dissipate any of these fears by always telling them
how special and how loved they are. They will also be angry with you.
Many times the child already misses the parent so much that, even
though they are angry with the parent for what they have done, they
want love so bad from that parent and they want to believe that it is
not the parent’s fault. In this situation, the child may blame you.
Try not to tell them the truth so that they won’t blame you. They
will figure out in time whose fault it is, and for right now, they
need no more reason to be angry with their own parent.
Let the parent be a part of
the child’s life-
Once the parent gets their life
under control, if this is possible, they will likely want custody
back. You will not want to stand in the way of this reunion, because
it is better for the child if the parent does want to do as they are
supposed to. But, at the same time, you have to keep the child’s
best interest in mind. It is very likely that the child was
originally ripped away from what they considered stability when you
had to take over custody of them. Now, you will not want to rip the
stability of your home out from underneath them in that way. They
should be gradually moved back to their Brooklyn parents’
supervision, so that it gives them the ability to adjust. The longer
your child has been with you the harder this will be on the child,
and the grandparent. You will likely have become seriously attached
and will not really want to let go of them. Just know, though, that
as long as they will be safely and responsibly taken care of, it is
healthier for them to be with their Brooklyn parents.
Chapter 8
Step-Brooklyn
parenting
Fifty years ago this topic
wouldn’t have even been included in this book. But today’s
society is different, and the statistics prove so. According to the
US Census Bureau, half of all marriages end in divorce, and 50% of
families in America are remarried or re-coupled. While you may not
believe that this should be listed as separate from birth Brooklyn
parents, they really should. Hopefully, you disagree with me on this
point. Hopefully, instead of viewing it as step-Brooklyn parenting,
you just see it as having your own children, and treat them as such.
But this is not likely. Or, maybe you do treat them as your own
children, but it’s still very possible that you have to deal with
totally different issues than biological Brooklyn parents do. It’s
nearly impossible for this to not be true. And, many times, the older
the child or children when the marriage takes place, the harder it
will be. This is understandable, as are many of the situations you
may find yourself in as a step-parent. Each child will react
differently, and each situation has its own special circumstances.
While this section will probably not be able to give advice regarding
every occurrence you might face, it will endeavor to cover the most
common problems step-families face. As in all chapters, there will be
the secrets of success, followed by those secrets about what you will
be faced with that no one told you.
Secrets to Success
Remember that you are the
adult-
Sure, your life is being altered
dramatically by your new marriage, and the whole instant family gig.
But you at least got to make the choice for yourself. The child is a
victim of circumstance, and is still a child, so they don’t have
the option of leaving if they don’t like the situation. This is not
to say you should have the attitude of leaving anytime it’s not
working for you, it just means that the child didn’t make the
decision, is being forced into it, and it is likely that they didn’t
want any part of it to start with. These are very important things to
remember.
You Shattered Their Hopes-
Unless a child was in a horrible
family situation (such as an abusive spouse), they very likely hope
and pray that someday their Brooklyn parents will be able to get back
together again. They know their Brooklyn parents hate each other
right now, but sometimes they hate their brother, too, but they
always get over it, so why won’t their Brooklyn parents? They are
too young to understand the complexities of adult relationships, and
they are still hoping that something magical will happen, and their
family will be reunited in time. You coming into the picture, moving
into the house (whether it is their house or not), and marrying one
of their Brooklyn parents, just shattered that hope. In their mind,
now it is officially over, and it is your fault. Try not to let this
get to you. When they get older they will realize it’s not really
your doing, but for now it is a good thing to know they feel this
way, and keep it in mind when dealing with your step-child.
Expect to Give more than
Receive-
Knowing what you now know, you
must also be informed in advance that you should not expect to get a
lot of love from you step-child in the beginning. You should give out
as much as they will take, and keep in mind that there will be times
they want all of it, and times they want none of it. Be aware the
entire time that this is way harder on the child than it is on you,
and give them all you can. Do not try to force yourself on them,
though. In time, they will grow to love and respect you if for no
other reason than that you put up with them when they were acting
like the biggest brats on earth.
Do not Treat them as
Step-children-
Understand that those phrases of
“You’re not my dad! What you say doesn’t matter!” are not
really aimed at you. They are just trying to cope with their
situation. At the same time, you cannot let them continue to talk to
you like that. You have to discipline them just as you would if your
own children talked to you like that. If you have other children,
never treat them better than your step-children ESPECIALLY not in
front of the other children. If your step-child does not live with
you, you will want to take great pains to make sure that the child
does not feel as if you are the child’s second family.
When they don’t live with
you-
It is impossible to really know
whether it is more difficult trying to be a step-parent who lives in
the same house as the child, or opposite. Both are very difficult,
and each in their own way. There are a few secrets to making it a
little easier, though. Know that at some point or another, your child
will feel like this is a family he is an outsider of. It is not
uncommon for them to never talk about this with you, though, so you
may not realize they feel this way. Knowing that it might be a
possibility, you should do your best to make sure they never have to
experience these feelings or thoughts.
One way to help battle this is to
try to make your child feel like it is as much their home as it is
yours. Have a separate room for the child where they can keep clothes
and their own toys, so that they do not feel like visitors. If you
have other children and don’t have a big enough house for them to
have their own room, you should have bunk beds in the other child’s
room, and have a dresser for the non-resident child. They will
already have a hard time with the entire situation, and the less they
feel like this is their home, the harder it will be. Your own child
who lives with you, if this is the case, may be feeling like their
space is being overtaken as well. If this is a problem, you can have
a rollaway bed in the closet, and a dresser in the corner, but you
have to try your best to please each child equally so that no one
feels as though they are loved any less.
Don’t Talk Bad About the
Other Brooklyn parents-
Even if you absolutely hate your
new spouse’s ex, you should never let this show to your
step-children. The whole situation is hard enough as it is, and
adding this can be detrimental. It is really bad when one parent
talks bad about the other parent to the children, causing more
confusion and grief and anger, but when it is the step-parent talking
about the parent, then loyalty comes into play, causing them to
dislike you even more than before, if for no other reason than to be
loyal to their parent. If this happens, you will have a nearly
impossible time trying to reverse the damage you have done.
Divorce Is Hard Enough-
When you are divorced, your child
will inevitably be going through the most difficult time in their
young life. This is hard enough as it is. When you throw in Brooklyn
parents’ anger with the ex-spouse, new relationships, and the
child’s mixed and confusing feelings about everything that is going
on around them, it is a disaster waiting to happen. The best ways to
avoid overload for the child is for the adults to put all differences
aside for the children. Be nice to each other, no matter how often
you may have to bite your tongue to do so. Separation of Brooklyn
parents is devastating enough for the little ones, and they aren’t
at fault for any of it, so the goal should be to make it as easy as
possible on them.
Try to Not get Jealous-
When you get married to someone
who has been married before, you are marrying their past as well.
Even though you know this, sometimes you may be jealous of that past
relationship that involved your spouse, and this is understandable.
If you married someone who had no children from that previous
marriage, it might be easier to cope with. You possibly wouldn’t
have photo albums full of pictures that contain your spouse’s ex.
They divorced that person for a reason, and probably don’t want
many reminders of the marriage. But, when you marry someone who has
children from that previous marriage, it’s not quite as simple.
There will be many pictures and
other mementos that provide as reminders of that previous spouse, and
you might not care for it much. But, if you encourage your spouse to
get rid of these, you are inadvertently telling that child that their
history with that parent before you is irrelevant. This is something
to avoid completely.
Family Traditions-
This is one of the things not
always addressed before the marriage, and it should be. Some families
hold regular traditions that were in place before the second marriage
became involved. These should not be second-guessed, and you should
never try to replace them with your own. If you had your own in place
before the union, you will of course want to continue those, as well.
In this situation, you will want to combine the two somehow. And
always include everyone in the tradition. For example, if you have
children from a previous marriage that live with you, and your new
spouse has children that do not, and it is getting close to Christmas
time, you will be thinking about tree decorating time. You might
normally decorate your tree every year on a certain day, maybe it’s
on someone’s birthday, or just a specific date. Now, what happens
if your new spouse and their children normally did it previously on a
certain day, and it was a completely different day than you did? You
can not just say, okay well those kids don’t live with us, so we
will do it on our day, and they can do it on their day at their house
with their other parent. This will not work. By doing this, you are
taking something important away from that parent-child relationship.
You should sit everyone in the
house down to talk about what you should do. And, this also includes
the children who don’t live there. If you do not want the children
to be a part of the decision-making process, then you can not very
well leave it at any of the previous dates. If you talk to them, you
can all come to an agreement together. But, if you decide it and
inform them afterwards, and what you tell them is, okay you had this
in place, but we had this in place, and we have decided that yours
doesn’t matter as much as ours, so this is what we will do. If you
do this, they will feel left out and unwanted. These are all
unnecessary feelings to impart on the child. Instead, if you don’t
want their input, you should find a new date, so that everyone has to
give a little, not just the ones who don’t live there.
Also, if you have traditions in
place that have been there before your marriage, you will now need to
include your other children in those. For example, if you have a
family tradition of paying for good grades, you should do so with all
children now, not just your own. Making sure that all family
traditions are honored and that all family members are involved in
these is one of the most important requirements for having a
successful blended family.
Be willing to accept rules-
If your step-child loves dogs,
and has always had a dog since they were little, and the rule of the
house has always been that it is okay to have one, you can not move
in and expect the child to get rid of the dog because you don’t
like animals. Or, if something happens to that dog, and the child
wants another, you cannot jump on that opportunity to not allow the
new one in. The rule was in the house before you were. You cannot
expect to be able to change things this drastically. If you do, it
will result badly. You will either be adding to your stepchild’s
view of you as the enemy, and they will respect you even less than
they did before, or you will force your new spouse to go behind your
back to let the child have what they would have had if you weren’t
around.
You also can not expect to walk
in and enforce rules that didn’t exist before. If your child had a
certain bedtime, but you think it is too late of a bedtime, you
cannot come in and change it. This is just one more of the many
things that will make you seem even more intrusive. This will change
with time, as you are the adult and you will have rights to making
rules for the household, but this is something that has to take time.
Prepare the Child Well in
Advance of the Marriage-
It is important that this
announcement be made as early as possible. The child will need time
to adjust. No matter how much time you give them, they will never be
fully prepared for what is to come in the future, just as the adults
aren’t. But, the more time they have to adjust to and accept it,
the less work will be required after the marriage.
Put Yourself in Their Shoes-
In every different situation
possible, and there are many of them, the best way to determine
whether or not you are doing the right thing, is to put yourself in
their shoes. If you were a child in their situation, what would you
want to happen? Or, another way to go about this is to think about
what you would want your own children to go through.
This is the easiest and most
helpful method of determining if what you are doing is a good idea or
not. Use this method for every issue that comes up, and it is very
likely that you will make the right decision more often than not.
Imagine if your child had a step-parent who filled the same shoes you
are filling in your stepchild’s life. Now, do only those things
that you would want your child’s new step-parent to.
Secrets No One Told
You
Along with the secrets that being
aware of will help you along in this process, there are also some
secrets that many people fail to talk about. Maybe they are afraid
you will think it’s too much work, or maybe people are just trying
to be politically correct, or for whatever reason, people just don’t
warn you in advance of what you may be in for. Keep in mind that you
will also have to face all the other issues mentioned throughout this
book, but you have many more to deal with that biological Brooklyn
parents never have to face. Although these tips may not always help,
the repetitive theme seems to be that the more prepared you are when
they occur, the better off everyone involved will be.
There is no Perfect Time-
This one is a very hard decision
to make, because no matter when you decide to remarry, it likely
won’t be a good time for your child. You may not want to do it
right after the divorce, because you are afraid of causing them more
problems. Then, you may not want to later because they have finally
become so adjusted that you don’t want to do anything that will
cause another major disruption. This is not a very good thing to base
the timing of your marriage on, because no matter when you choose to
do it, it will be extremely difficult for them, and there will very
possibly never be a good time for your child.
When You have another Baby-
This is when you have a child or
stepchild from a previous marriage and the new couple decides to also
have a child together. This new half-sibling will provoke much
jealousy and other issues all around. Something to remember is to not
plan on one of those older children being a built-in babysitter. If
you do, unless the child just wants to, you risk causing even more
sibling rivalry than there would have been originally.
Also, when you have a new child
that is a half-sibling to children from both the mother and the
father, you will want to make sure that the new baby recognizes that
all siblings are equal. Even if some of the siblings do not live with
the new baby, they are all equal and should be referred to and
addressed as such. For example, if you will be having your newest
child refer to their half-brother as “bubba,” they should also
refer to all of their half-brothers this way, and similar with the
half-sisters. You will not want any of the children to feel alienated
simply because they do not live with you, because the birth of the
child will be enough on its own to cause these types of feelings.
There are extra Brooklyn
parents and grandparents involved-
This is what the stepfamily is
all about, but it can be difficult on the child and on every parent
involved. Granted, if these Brooklyn parents are a part of your
child’s life, you want them to be active as Brooklyn parents, but
while this is good, it still tends to make life in general a little
complicated for the children. Everyone just needs to be as civil as
possible and understand, and remember, that it is possible that the
whole situation will cause the children confusion and stress.
The Holidays Will Be
Difficult-
As if the holiday season wasn’t
stressful enough, what with money issues, shopping at Kings Plaza,
Century 21, on Avenue J, or other local stores being so hectic, bad
weather, and many other difficulties, and now this will make it even
more so. The more stepfamilies that are involved, the more crazy this
season will become. Everyone wants and needs to get the kids for the
holidays. This, of course, will have to be divided up between the
Brooklyn parents. Then, there are the trips to the grandparents, or
wherever your extended family holds their holiday celebrations. This
can get unbelievably tricky, because no child needs to be left out of
any of the ceremonies, and you have to work around all the schedules.
What will become of this situation is stress and havoc and craziness.
It’s a little easier to deal with if you are prepared, and if you
know in advance that it usually takes years to perfect.
Grandparents Issues-
There are many ways this topic is
relevant. For one thing, when you marry for a second time, you are
likely older, and it is possible that there are grown children
involved. These children might also have children of their own. If
you are not willing to accept the role of grandparent, you might need
to reevaluate the situation. Also, your new stepchild will have just
acquired a new set of grandparents due to the marriage. These
grandparents should act no differently toward the step grandchildren
than they do the biological ones. If you ever see this happening, you
need to put a stop to it immediately.
They may try to get rid of
you-
Some children will not only feel
invaded and dislike you, but may also go to extreme lengths to try to
sabotage your marriage. You will obviously need to address these
issues, without placing blame on the child, or pointing any fingers.
Everyone needs to be involved in it, and under these circumstances,
family counseling might be in order. If you plan on sticking around
despite the child’s attempts to have you leave, you will want to
put forth whatever effort necessary to make your step-child accept
it, so you can begin the process of starting a new stable family.
During this time, you need to try (although it can be difficult) to
not take it personally. It’s not usually that the child dislikes
you, they just dislike the position you filled. It almost always
wouldn’t matter who you were, you are the enemy no matter what, and
it will take a lot of work to change their attitude about it.
Your Stepchild May Be Afraid
to Get Close to you-
Family loyalty is one of the
biggest factors here. Even when all the adults involved manage to get
along just fine, your step will feel, at least at some point and to
some degree, that by accepting you, they are being disloyal to the
biological parent whose place you are filling for their other parent.
This is especially true if this marriage resulted from an affair
during their biological Brooklyn parents’ marriage. Then, not only
did you cause their Brooklyn parents to split up, but if they grow to
like you or even love you over time, then they feel that they are
being disloyal to the abandoned parent.
Another reason they may not feel
secure in getting close to you is because in their mind your marriage
is not permanent. After all, if their biggest security (meaning their
biological Brooklyn parents’ marriage) didn’t last, why should
they expect yours to? They are statistically correct in feeling this
way, because some reports have shown that as many as 2/3 of all
second marriages end in separation or divorce.
In some cases, not only does the
child not expect the marriage to survive, but they may be mad when it
does. As children get older, they will realize that spouses have to
overcome a vast amount of problems in order to stay together. Even
the happiest of couples have issues and problems on occasion. Then
they will wonder why that remarried parent is able to put forth the
effort to make it work with this partner, when they were incapable of
doing so with their previous marriage. We, as adults, know that there
can be a million different reasons for this, but children don’t.
They still believe that if you love someone, you will always stay in
love with that person, and that, no matter what happens, you can make
it work if you want to. And, while this isn’t always the case, the
child can‘t quite understand it.
Follow-Up
Now you have officially become
informed of many situations you may encounter while having children,
and a few secret tips to avoiding some of these. Hopefully, the
information in this book will be taken just as all advice should, and
you will take from it what will work for you and your family, and
leave the rest.
Just as with children in general,
there is no guarantee that any of the secrets in this book will apply
to you, or that the advice will help. Hopefully, though, at least
some of it will, and the ones that don’t will at least provide
insight into what can happen, and possibly some explanation for why
this is the case.
Good luck in all of your Brooklyn
parenting endeavors, and be sure to always remember that, just like
with any job, the more you put into it the more you will get out of
it.
